Knackered of wot!

Started sorting out the girls rooms on Saturday. Both the bunks went early in the day via freecycle and a guy who took Zoey’s bed also dropped off a desk at the tip for us. Further to that, we have been invited round for coffee, how ever so very weird (but nice)

Started the painting and was soon feeling quite ill and rather sorry for myself. Went at it rather half heartedly but did at least manage to put together Zoey’s bed.

By Sunday I was feeling really bad and went to bed for a few hours, not a lot was really getting done.

Got up around 7 to greet Kay & Geoff, Jermaine, assorted carers, Matt & Anne. Maine was in a strange mood and managed to hit both Deej and Kay though I was spared.

Matt said something which made me think in that he and Anne were feeling ill when they were decorating but someone has to do it … that could have been me saying that so after they all left I got on with the decorating whilst Deej was in bed. He got up at some point and helped out. I think he went to bed around 5am and me at around 6.A stupid time to go to bed but at least I felt like I did something.

Was up again at 8 to take Daisy to school and do some shopping then back home and worked through until we finally finished everything at around 8:30 this evening.

Just had a bath and so know I should be in bed but I am crap at sleeping whilst the girls are still up and about. I may just skip tomorrow so if no one hears from me, don’t be too shocked.

My health is now predictably crap and I ache all over but at least I didn’t give up this time.

For the record, for interested parties, my phylosophy on married or partners guys who wanted to shag me was always the same, their problems were not my problems. I’d ignore them in the street but that would be my only concession.

Just started to read Mort seeing as I had to give up on ‘The Light Fantastic’ seeing as they have added that to the ‘Colour of Magic’ on Sky as I found out by watching part 1

Are we having fun yet?

Knackered of wot!

Started sorting out the girls rooms on Saturday. Both the bunks went early in the day via freecycle and a guy who took Zoey’s bed also dropped off a desk at the tip for us. Further to that, we have been invited round for coffee, how ever so very weird (but nice)

Started the painting and was soon feeling quite ill and rather sorry for myself. Went at it rather half heartedly but did at least manage to put together Zoey’s bed.

By Sunday I was feeling really bad and went to bed for a few hours, not a lot was really getting done.

Got up around 7 to greet Kay & Geoff, Jermaine, assorted carers, Matt & Anne. Maine was in a strange mood and managed to hit both Deej and Kay though I was spared.

Matt said something which made me think in that he and Anne were feeling ill when they were decorating but someone has to do it … that could have been me saying that so after they all left I got on with the decorating whilst Deej was in bed. He got up at some point and helped out. I think he went to bed around 5am and me at around 6.A stupid time to go to bed but at least I felt like I did something.

Was up again at 8 to take Daisy to school and do some shopping then back home and worked through until we finally finished everything at around 8:30 this evening.

Just had a bath and so know I should be in bed but I am crap at sleeping whilst the girls are still up and about. I may just skip tomorrow so if no one hears from me, don’t be too shocked.

My health is now predictably crap and I ache all over but at least I didn’t give up this time.

For the record, for interested parties, my phylosophy on married or partners guys who wanted to shag me was always the same, their problems were not my problems. I’d ignore them in the street but that would be my only concession.

Just started to read Mort seeing as I had to give up on ‘The Light Fantastic’ seeing as they have added that to the ‘Colour of Magic’ on Sky as I found out by watching part 1

Are we having fun yet?

Gotta Cold :-(

But, it’s only a cold so no biggie

I think I am losing friendships and there is nothing I can do about it.

A couple I know recently, one asked who I was when I sent a text, he’d deleted my number and the other ignores me on MSN. We have stayed with these guys, they have stayed here and we got along OK, known them for years and they have not said there is a problem.

Another friend kind of didn’t tell me he’s visiting Matt. This is a friend of mine who met Matt through me yet he tells me he’s real busy and doesn’t have much time.

Yet another guy is in regular contact with Matt yet they met through me and he was my friend, seem not any more.

Sadly I think I know why but there is nothing I can do about it or would want to do about it. I can’t please everyone with my choice of partners. I don’t want to lose friends but, at the same time, I need to be my own person and be with who I want to be with.

So, right now there are some serious vacancies for friends in my life because I so need adult conversation with intelligent people.

This is not to in any way undermine the friendships I maintain, I value them all, but I would be mad not to acknowledge that which stares me in the face!

Daisy got really crap school grades but I am optimistic that he wants to do something about it. On the one hand it bothers me if she doesn’t reach her full potential but then, on the other, all I really want from any of the kids is that that are happy, help others when they can and are liked by others.

I only just noticed but none of these posts seem to be dated. Actually, the date is there but it is the same colour as the background so you would need to highlight it to see it.

Today I was hoping to go see Jermaine as he couldn’t visit yesterday but my eyes are really too sore to be driving about.

On one of the websites I use some idiot just said that a person cannot be properly gay if they have kids, some people are just plain stupid.

Watched Bee Movie with the kids yesterday and it is a real laugh. Actually, it is so good I now have to buy the DVD to prove I mean what I say when I have said that downloading a movie is more likely to encourage me to buy.

I am so looking forward to getting my hair done tomorrow, even better that it is a freebie. Heaven knows what it is going to look like as I am just going to tell them to use their imagination.

You so don’t want to know how much debt I am in but these things have to be done. I have a theory that it gets to a certain point and actually starts to look good again despite being dire. No, it isn’t meant to make sense.

I need summer

Gotta Cold :-(

But, it’s only a cold so no biggie

I think I am losing friendships and there is nothing I can do about it.

A couple I know recently, one asked who I was when I sent a text, he’d deleted my number and the other ignores me on MSN. We have stayed with these guys, they have stayed here and we got along OK, known them for years and they have not said there is a problem.

Another friend kind of didn’t tell me he’s visiting Matt. This is a friend of mine who met Matt through me yet he tells me he’s real busy and doesn’t have much time.

Yet another guy is in regular contact with Matt yet they met through me and he was my friend, seem not any more.

Sadly I think I know why but there is nothing I can do about it or would want to do about it. I can’t please everyone with my choice of partners. I don’t want to lose friends but, at the same time, I need to be my own person and be with who I want to be with.

So, right now there are some serious vacancies for friends in my life because I so need adult conversation with intelligent people.

This is not to in any way undermine the friendships I maintain, I value them all, but I would be mad not to acknowledge that which stares me in the face!

Daisy got really crap school grades but I am optimistic that he wants to do something about it. On the one hand it bothers me if she doesn’t reach her full potential but then, on the other, all I really want from any of the kids is that that are happy, help others when they can and are liked by others.

I only just noticed but none of these posts seem to be dated. Actually, the date is there but it is the same colour as the background so you would need to highlight it to see it.

Today I was hoping to go see Jermaine as he couldn’t visit yesterday but my eyes are really too sore to be driving about.

On one of the websites I use some idiot just said that a person cannot be properly gay if they have kids, some people are just plain stupid.

Watched Bee Movie with the kids yesterday and it is a real laugh. Actually, it is so good I now have to buy the DVD to prove I mean what I say when I have said that downloading a movie is more likely to encourage me to buy.

I am so looking forward to getting my hair done tomorrow, even better that it is a freebie. Heaven knows what it is going to look like as I am just going to tell them to use their imagination.

You so don’t want to know how much debt I am in but these things have to be done. I have a theory that it gets to a certain point and actually starts to look good again despite being dire. No, it isn’t meant to make sense.

I need summer

Decisions

I have been trying this evening to think of decisions I have made that are singularly responsible for getting me to the point I am at now.

Clearly being born, the first steps and learning how not to shite my pants were a help, I am sure things would be far different for me now were I to still be wearing a nappy and needed changing every few hours. Actually, I was thinking more of those later decisions in my life which I can pinpoint that had they not happened a whole host of other things could not have happened either.

Learning to drive at 17 was one of them. I consider this to be the first major decision and turning point of my life, no pun intended (no matter how good). Had I not learned to drive then I would not have driven to Basildon and convinced myself that was where I wanted to live. I could not have then dragged my parents there to look at houses and ultimately move in 1981

In 1983 I barely consider it was my decision to begin a relationship with Neil, that just sort of popped up (pun definitely intended). This was to have an impact in my later life because it showed me the part of me I had, until that point, suspected but denied.

In 1985 came the next decision I made alone and that was to start a relationship and get married which we did in 1986. That choice lead to 4 kids. Actually, there is another choice involved in that one which also had a serious impact on where I am now and it is a little obscure because the choice itself was unrelated to the consequence. In 1991 I decided it would be a good idea to go to my Dad’s caravan in Norfolk for the weekend. It was on the way back from that trip that we were involved in quite a serious accident. This accident turned out to be the stick which broke this camels back and I went into quite a deep depression. We were without a car for a very long time indeed and my fighting spirit had gone. When Kris (my ex and then called ‘Lorna’) pushed me for yet another baby I conceded and our Daisy was born. Anyway, that accident left me with 4 children in a small house.

The following decision was in 1995 when I had totally given up ever achieving my objective of getting a larger house in Basildon, they just didn’t exist. I knew I had to look further away and one of those places was Northampton.

Things progressed very quickly and before long we were living in the town.

1995 also saw my decision to put aside some cash and buy my first computer.

In 1998 I made the decision to ‘come out’ and start seriously meeting some gay guys which changed me for certain. I started to become the person I had always imagined I could be and, for the first time in my life, I liked me.

By 2000 I was so ‘Out’ that I and the family (and not a few friends) were on national TV. This was also the turning point in my realisation that my marriage could not continue and I needed a divorce. Many years earlier I had decided that the kids were always going to be with me.

It was the decision to do TV which lead me to have all of us fall victim to homophobia. So serious was it that we had to move house to where we are now.

Indeed, here we ‘are’ now.

So, had I not learnt to drive then I would not have moved and all else which has happened, the people I have loved and lost would never have existed. Amazing when we think about it how one simple decision to better ourselves can have an impact on so many other people.

I would never have met Kris, Jermaine, Matthew, Zoey and Daisy would not exist. It is by no means certain but my Mum may still be alive. I would never have met Neil, Tony, Deej, Nick, Pete, Robin, Martyn, Simon, Ian, Richard and a whole host of others to numerous to mention and by no means diminished because I didn’t type them here. There are guys I know are alive right now because of me who would otherwise not have been had I not learnt to drive all those years ago.

So, anyway, if anyone reading this is thinking about doing something which will make a small difference to their lives, stop thinking about it and do it. Who knows what amazing things will happen just because of that one decision.

Decisions

I have been trying this evening to think of decisions I have made that are singularly responsible for getting me to the point I am at now.

Clearly being born, the first steps and learning how not to shite my pants were a help, I am sure things would be far different for me now were I to still be wearing a nappy and needed changing every few hours. Actually, I was thinking more of those later decisions in my life which I can pinpoint that had they not happened a whole host of other things could not have happened either.

Learning to drive at 17 was one of them. I consider this to be the first major decision and turning point of my life, no pun intended (no matter how good). Had I not learned to drive then I would not have driven to Basildon and convinced myself that was where I wanted to live. I could not have then dragged my parents there to look at houses and ultimately move in 1981

In 1983 I barely consider it was my decision to begin a relationship with Neil, that just sort of popped up (pun definitely intended). This was to have an impact in my later life because it showed me the part of me I had, until that point, suspected but denied.

In 1985 came the next decision I made alone and that was to start a relationship and get married which we did in 1986. That choice lead to 4 kids. Actually, there is another choice involved in that one which also had a serious impact on where I am now and it is a little obscure because the choice itself was unrelated to the consequence. In 1991 I decided it would be a good idea to go to my Dad’s caravan in Norfolk for the weekend. It was on the way back from that trip that we were involved in quite a serious accident. This accident turned out to be the stick which broke this camels back and I went into quite a deep depression. We were without a car for a very long time indeed and my fighting spirit had gone. When Kris (my ex and then called ‘Lorna’) pushed me for yet another baby I conceded and our Daisy was born. Anyway, that accident left me with 4 children in a small house.

The following decision was in 1995 when I had totally given up ever achieving my objective of getting a larger house in Basildon, they just didn’t exist. I knew I had to look further away and one of those places was Northampton.

Things progressed very quickly and before long we were living in the town.

1995 also saw my decision to put aside some cash and buy my first computer.

In 1998 I made the decision to ‘come out’ and start seriously meeting some gay guys which changed me for certain. I started to become the person I had always imagined I could be and, for the first time in my life, I liked me.

By 2000 I was so ‘Out’ that I and the family (and not a few friends) were on national TV. This was also the turning point in my realisation that my marriage could not continue and I needed a divorce. Many years earlier I had decided that the kids were always going to be with me.

It was the decision to do TV which lead me to have all of us fall victim to homophobia. So serious was it that we had to move house to where we are now.

Indeed, here we ‘are’ now.

So, had I not learnt to drive then I would not have moved and all else which has happened, the people I have loved and lost would never have existed. Amazing when we think about it how one simple decision to better ourselves can have an impact on so many other people.

I would never have met Kris, Jermaine, Matthew, Zoey and Daisy would not exist. It is by no means certain but my Mum may still be alive. I would never have met Neil, Tony, Deej, Nick, Pete, Robin, Martyn, Simon, Ian, Richard and a whole host of others to numerous to mention and by no means diminished because I didn’t type them here. There are guys I know are alive right now because of me who would otherwise not have been had I not learnt to drive all those years ago.

So, anyway, if anyone reading this is thinking about doing something which will make a small difference to their lives, stop thinking about it and do it. Who knows what amazing things will happen just because of that one decision.

The toilet Bowl of Life

Life is like being in a toilet bowl. Most of the time we can be happy surrounded by something bright and shiny. Every now and then it will rain down upon us.But with our shiny surround comes the certainty that sure as we are alive we shall have the occasional shitty time from which we are cleansed. The real problem is, once in a while the shit gets so heavy that wipe around is not enough, we need a good scrub up before we can be shiny and bright again except that no one ever wants to do the scrubbing.

The toilet Bowl of Life

Life is like being in a toilet bowl. Most of the time we can be happy surrounded by something bright and shiny. Every now and then it will rain down upon us.But with our shiny surround comes the certainty that sure as we are alive we shall have the occasional shitty time from which we are cleansed. The real problem is, once in a while the shit gets so heavy that wipe around is not enough, we need a good scrub up before we can be shiny and bright again except that no one ever wants to do the scrubbing.

Low

For reasons I don’t quite understand I am feeling very low at the moment. I am sure it is no one thing causing this but many smaller things. I do have stuff going on in my life at the moment but cannot resolve any of them, they all need time which means that whilst I am giving them that time I have a host of other things which remain unresolved.

One thing for sure is that I can’t grasp any happiness right now. I can see it there for the taking and know it should make me happy but it just isn’t registering. Every little bit of negativity is taking hold of me.

I need space to get my brain in gear and sort myself out but I don’t have anywhere or, frankly, the money to create anywhere right now. With three very needy people at home I am never allowed time to myself except very late at night and that compounds the issue because going to bed at post 3am is not healthy. My feeling is that I am drained, exhausted. All I really want to do is sleep and that says depression to me.

The thing is, it’s jumped up on me and I have caught it too late to stave it off. I just cannot seem to shake this one. I am not suicidal or anything like that just also not happy. I am not unhappy with any one person, group of people or anything like that, I am just not coping right now.

So, if someone reading this has some suggestions of where I may go or what I might do, I’d like to hear it … well, possibly I might. I guess I don’t know that I would because part of the issue is always going to be me not being in control!

Grrrr

Low

For reasons I don’t quite understand I am feeling very low at the moment. I am sure it is no one thing causing this but many smaller things. I do have stuff going on in my life at the moment but cannot resolve any of them, they all need time which means that whilst I am giving them that time I have a host of other things which remain unresolved.

One thing for sure is that I can’t grasp any happiness right now. I can see it there for the taking and know it should make me happy but it just isn’t registering. Every little bit of negativity is taking hold of me.

I need space to get my brain in gear and sort myself out but I don’t have anywhere or, frankly, the money to create anywhere right now. With three very needy people at home I am never allowed time to myself except very late at night and that compounds the issue because going to bed at post 3am is not healthy. My feeling is that I am drained, exhausted. All I really want to do is sleep and that says depression to me.

The thing is, it’s jumped up on me and I have caught it too late to stave it off. I just cannot seem to shake this one. I am not suicidal or anything like that just also not happy. I am not unhappy with any one person, group of people or anything like that, I am just not coping right now.

So, if someone reading this has some suggestions of where I may go or what I might do, I’d like to hear it … well, possibly I might. I guess I don’t know that I would because part of the issue is always going to be me not being in control!

Grrrr