That’s another week then …

Well, I am still here so not all is lost.

Spent some time with a school friend yesterday as I mentioned in a previous mailing. It was good to see him and to see that he looks quite good as it happens. He’s been through some trauma in his life, true, much self inflicted but with a determined attitude he’s stuck by his guns and come through it the other side, good to have my mate back I think.

No one seems to have bought the Sebring for me so I guess I’ll just have to rely on the lottery after all … should I win, by the way, I intend to move a very long way away indeed from certain horrible people most definitely, enough of them already. The money would also enable me to spend quality time with my true friends and family in a stress free environment, I need one of those right now.

My bed has been moved into the room which was the office and now the two rooms are together … once the council have done their thing I can move things around again after decorating and this will be mainly a bedroom which also happens to have a computer in it. My old bedroom is now my Photography Studio. Because of the council thing I can’t decorate so I have erected a temporary studio in their using my mobile set up. I may have some slight colour bleed problems with the walls onto the white background but, basically it should be OK. I may erect another back drop to try and eliminate that particular issue if I can.

Hope Adam doesn’t mind me sharing these, I know he’d not had time to prepare so really grateful for him sitting in for a couple of shots!

 

I am still not playing flipping Minecraft!!!!

Tomorrow is the day of my first major photography shoot and I am still not nervous which worries me! I should be, I still don’t quite know what I am doing but, it’ll be OK, I know it will.

Looking forward to Sunday, first time I’ve looked forward to anything in a while so I hope it doesn’t disappoint.

That’s another week then …

Well, I am still here so not all is lost.

Spent some time with a school friend yesterday as I mentioned in a previous mailing. It was good to see him and to see that he looks quite good as it happens. He’s been through some trauma in his life, true, much self inflicted but with a determined attitude he’s stuck by his guns and come through it the other side, good to have my mate back I think.

No one seems to have bought the Sebring for me so I guess I’ll just have to rely on the lottery after all … should I win, by the way, I intend to move a very long way away indeed from certain horrible people most definitely, enough of them already. The money would also enable me to spend quality time with my true friends and family in a stress free environment, I need one of those right now.

My bed has been moved into the room which was the office and now the two rooms are together … once the council have done their thing I can move things around again after decorating and this will be mainly a bedroom which also happens to have a computer in it. My old bedroom is now my Photography Studio. Because of the council thing I can’t decorate so I have erected a temporary studio in their using my mobile set up. I may have some slight colour bleed problems with the walls onto the white background but, basically it should be OK. I may erect another back drop to try and eliminate that particular issue if I can.

Hope Adam doesn’t mind me sharing these, I know he’d not had time to prepare so really grateful for him sitting in for a couple of shots!

 

I am still not playing flipping Minecraft!!!!

Tomorrow is the day of my first major photography shoot and I am still not nervous which worries me! I should be, I still don’t quite know what I am doing but, it’ll be OK, I know it will.

Looking forward to Sunday, first time I’ve looked forward to anything in a while so I hope it doesn’t disappoint.

Bored!

I totally don’t get it, why do I keep getting so damn depressingly bored? What was it which took up all my time before that I didn’t feel like this? I’ve done near all which can be done around the house, am up to date on my work, my diary is totally clear. It’s not even that I am being lazy, I am doing what needs to be done yet, somehow, I’ve now got tons of time on my hands from who knows where? Did days get longer? Hey, there’s an irony, I now go to bed much earlier, rarely after midnight so, in theory, I’ve actually got less hours in the day, they just seem to take a lot longer? Am I forgetting something I should be doing maybe?

So, I am totally confused, for some reason I have all this time on my hands and don’t know why. My logical side says, I don’t have any more time on my hands, it just feels longer. Could it be that I am so lacking in enthusiasm for anything that each task is now isolated whereas before I would think before and after doing something, have it in mind which made me feel busier whereas now, I just do what needs to be done and forget it, on auto pilot.

Either way, this is a horrible feeling and been going on for weeks now. I feel like I just want to go to bed and sleep to kill some hours, to make jobs seem important.

I am getting a visit from an old friend today, he’s not old, OK, he may be old in his outlook yet not in years, that’s yet to be determined, I just meant I’ve not seen him in years, 3 years I think. Part of my reaching out and making contact again approach which hasn’t really worked with anyone else sadly.

By the way, I want this …

£4,000 should anyone have that spare, I’ll sort the insurance myself! I want my baby back!

Bored!

I totally don’t get it, why do I keep getting so damn depressingly bored? What was it which took up all my time before that I didn’t feel like this? I’ve done near all which can be done around the house, am up to date on my work, my diary is totally clear. It’s not even that I am being lazy, I am doing what needs to be done yet, somehow, I’ve now got tons of time on my hands from who knows where? Did days get longer? Hey, there’s an irony, I now go to bed much earlier, rarely after midnight so, in theory, I’ve actually got less hours in the day, they just seem to take a lot longer? Am I forgetting something I should be doing maybe?

So, I am totally confused, for some reason I have all this time on my hands and don’t know why. My logical side says, I don’t have any more time on my hands, it just feels longer. Could it be that I am so lacking in enthusiasm for anything that each task is now isolated whereas before I would think before and after doing something, have it in mind which made me feel busier whereas now, I just do what needs to be done and forget it, on auto pilot.

Either way, this is a horrible feeling and been going on for weeks now. I feel like I just want to go to bed and sleep to kill some hours, to make jobs seem important.

I am getting a visit from an old friend today, he’s not old, OK, he may be old in his outlook yet not in years, that’s yet to be determined, I just meant I’ve not seen him in years, 3 years I think. Part of my reaching out and making contact again approach which hasn’t really worked with anyone else sadly.

By the way, I want this …

£4,000 should anyone have that spare, I’ll sort the insurance myself! I want my baby back!

Midweek Update

Well, I am facing he exciting prospect of taking the trash out the back for collection tomorrow, I so hope there are no maggots anywhere, it’s the one phobia I don’t seem to be able to get over (shudders)

The car is almost fixed thanks to Adam, need a little more doing to it before it’s totally OK again but better than it was, the rest will need to be sorted by the main dealer.

Considered a council home swap, it appears no one anywhere in the civilised world wants to move to Northampton, and who can blame them?! I may just have to win the lottery after all and go that way to somewhere better. I really want to get away from this place and the bad memories it holds for me. There have been some amazingly good times too but, no one should ever have to feel threatened or uncomfortable in their own town, on their own street like I do. Now may not be the best time, it may get better but, I either need to lock myself in the safety of my bedroom or get myself out of town as much as possible!

I am so not playing flipping Minecraft! I don’t see the fascination with it apart from something good to help me sleep because that’s what it does watching it, way up there with Farmville on levels of excitement for me!

Finally got an appointment to see a consultant for my eye, October 29th, Danny’s birthday! That means surgery is probably unlikely this year. Trying to stay positive, it should resolve it this time but then again, it’s only been since end of May and the growth is already as big as it took nearly 2 years to get to before!

I decided I am going to have to start changing something around in the house, I just keep looking at things which Javis set up and it’s driving me mad, right now I need no reminders at all of that bully in my life. May need to be an idiot and start lifting things way too heavy for me, sounds like fun! Just slightly concerned that if I combine my bedroom with the office I shall get zero privacy. Both at the moment seem to be a free for all to come and go as they please, not a lot of respect going on so, combined I may feel like I am spending time in the busiest part of the house!

I doubt I’ll get a holiday next year now. I did have some mad, stupid idea that I’d get back to Florida to relax for a couple of weeks but, can’t see that happening with no one to share the costs. Tyler has his girlfriend which is bound to zap his options, Javis has gone, that’s just me then and, having done it on my own before, it’s not really what I am looking for. Rides in the single rider lane are quicker but, who the hell do I compare notes with afterwards? That was the issue in 2004 anyway, the last time I did the same thing. There is another element I’d have liked to have added to the holiday too and that also is very unlikely so, hey ho, another time. Saying all that as though I think there is any realistic chance of actually having any money of course!

I need a hair cut, just thought I’d throw that in there!

My PC is too slow, it takes so long to load Sims 3 I just don’t get the time to play it and then the darn thing is too slow to make it useable … does anyone know the lottery numbers for this weekend they can tell just me please?

Today has not been a good day by the way, not felt happy at all which is annoying because friends and family have tried

NO! I am still not even trying Minecraft!!!!

Midweek Update

Well, I am facing he exciting prospect of taking the trash out the back for collection tomorrow, I so hope there are no maggots anywhere, it’s the one phobia I don’t seem to be able to get over (shudders)

The car is almost fixed thanks to Adam, need a little more doing to it before it’s totally OK again but better than it was, the rest will need to be sorted by the main dealer.

Considered a council home swap, it appears no one anywhere in the civilised world wants to move to Northampton, and who can blame them?! I may just have to win the lottery after all and go that way to somewhere better. I really want to get away from this place and the bad memories it holds for me. There have been some amazingly good times too but, no one should ever have to feel threatened or uncomfortable in their own town, on their own street like I do. Now may not be the best time, it may get better but, I either need to lock myself in the safety of my bedroom or get myself out of town as much as possible!

I am so not playing flipping Minecraft! I don’t see the fascination with it apart from something good to help me sleep because that’s what it does watching it, way up there with Farmville on levels of excitement for me!

Finally got an appointment to see a consultant for my eye, October 29th, Danny’s birthday! That means surgery is probably unlikely this year. Trying to stay positive, it should resolve it this time but then again, it’s only been since end of May and the growth is already as big as it took nearly 2 years to get to before!

I decided I am going to have to start changing something around in the house, I just keep looking at things which Javis set up and it’s driving me mad, right now I need no reminders at all of that bully in my life. May need to be an idiot and start lifting things way too heavy for me, sounds like fun! Just slightly concerned that if I combine my bedroom with the office I shall get zero privacy. Both at the moment seem to be a free for all to come and go as they please, not a lot of respect going on so, combined I may feel like I am spending time in the busiest part of the house!

I doubt I’ll get a holiday next year now. I did have some mad, stupid idea that I’d get back to Florida to relax for a couple of weeks but, can’t see that happening with no one to share the costs. Tyler has his girlfriend which is bound to zap his options, Javis has gone, that’s just me then and, having done it on my own before, it’s not really what I am looking for. Rides in the single rider lane are quicker but, who the hell do I compare notes with afterwards? That was the issue in 2004 anyway, the last time I did the same thing. There is another element I’d have liked to have added to the holiday too and that also is very unlikely so, hey ho, another time. Saying all that as though I think there is any realistic chance of actually having any money of course!

I need a hair cut, just thought I’d throw that in there!

My PC is too slow, it takes so long to load Sims 3 I just don’t get the time to play it and then the darn thing is too slow to make it useable … does anyone know the lottery numbers for this weekend they can tell just me please?

Today has not been a good day by the way, not felt happy at all which is annoying because friends and family have tried

NO! I am still not even trying Minecraft!!!!

Whilst I am away from Facebook

Some have accepted an invite, others I’ve added directly, there seems no way to alter the text of the Yahoo Group which mails out this blog to let anyone know it’s from me or that it has anything to do with sending out my blog entries to anyone … if you don’t want to get these, just delete yourself from the Yahoo Group.

Anyway, as I am now not currently using Facebook I thought that this could be a useful alternative for you to keep up with developments where I don’t have to share it with anyone I don’t trust unless any of you pass it on, feel free to comment on the blog or, if you reply to this message, it’ll go to everyone anyway, not just me! If you want to just contact me then that is either by email at ste@outmedia.co.uk or on 07941 949603.

OK, to update anyone who isn’t aware, me and Deej split up a while back, he’s getting this so, as I’ve tried to tell everyone, why doesn’t matter and neither does who was to blame, I don’t want to go that route. Since July Javis has been back with us following a heart attack he had because of his drug use. Things went well for a while but went tits up again this week. Once again, why doesn’t matter, it’s just really emotional and upsetting to add to an already emotionally upsetting time. Who needs a theme park when my life is a roller coaster?

Speaking of which, me, Daisy and Adam are off to New York end of next month for a week same as me and Sean did earlier in the year. Am starting to look forward to it but still apprehensive for reasons I am not going to here.

Need to get the door on my car repaired, I say ‘my car’, it isn’t my car at all, it is Zoey’s car which me and Adam drive around. Javis damaged the door over the weekend (long story) so it needs fixing. Hopefully Adam knows someone who is going to not charge a fortune for it, anything under £100 would be good. Some other lovely person shunted a shopping trolley into one of the other doors a while back so, for a 2011 car, it’s already looking a little battered!

The car sums up a lot of my life whereby it looks great, near new car, large house etc but, it’s not mine, it’s all borrowed and can be taken away without too much difficulty, just a change in some rules and a bit of time along with my income on state benefits as Zoey’s Carer.

I am putting some serious thought into taking on fostering if I am allowed, I think I’d be good at it, it’s also a responsible income and allows me to freedom to pursue my photography as well. The money isn’t terrible, not amazing but liveable and I can supplement it with other income too as I’d be finally off benefits. The best part is, I may actually have a positive influence on someone else’s life, set them down the right path, maybe be a part of the system which doesn’t screw them up, I like being optimistic, it suits me. True, if I got offered a full time post with some responsibility in IT with photography included I’d give it some serious consideration but, making a difference is what I want to do with the second half of my life.

Am finding a need for an increased social life, am a little lacking in that department so any offers would be considered subject to my being able to afford it. My income is right down now, New York is going to be a real struggle especially as Javis used the last of my savings. So, saying no may have more to do with affordability than my avoiding anything.

This weekend I am still going down to Kent to visit relatives. we were going to cancel it but, what the hell.

Saturday I am doing a photoshoot for a theatre group in Hertfordshire. It’s important as it is the first actual serious one I’ve had and there will also be free advertising. I don’t earn any money from the photography but they will be paying my chosen charity the going rate for my work. It may lead to nothing or it could be my big break, either way, it is worth doing.

I still need to trim myself down, today I ate too much, feel really guilty. With our chief babysitter gone, it’s now more difficult to get to the gym for me and Daisy because mornings are best, evenings are way too crowded. I think we may need to start going on our own a lot more sadly … I may have to learn to take my hearing aids out and use an ipod and hope no one decides to have a chat with me! Should do some more swimming too, Daisy isn’t keen so going on my own makes sense … after the kids go back to school though, it’s a nightmare at the moment, not very good for the ipod though, swimming!

Annoying how stress and a little depression makes me feel so tired all the time. I need to be active as that produces endorphins which help me feel better but because I don’t, I feel crap which stops me! Body chemistry can be so damn frustrating at times.

Will need to regain some confidence before I can start being social with people I don’t really know, I am not ready for that as yet, still too emotional and telling my life story and and crying to new people is not really a good start I don’t think!

I think this will be enough for now, not all entries are this long! My actual blog is at the picture link below if you can see anything there!

 

Whilst I am away from Facebook

Some have accepted an invite, others I’ve added directly, there seems no way to alter the text of the Yahoo Group which mails out this blog to let anyone know it’s from me or that it has anything to do with sending out my blog entries to anyone … if you don’t want to get these, just delete yourself from the Yahoo Group.

Anyway, as I am now not currently using Facebook I thought that this could be a useful alternative for you to keep up with developments where I don’t have to share it with anyone I don’t trust unless any of you pass it on, feel free to comment on the blog or, if you reply to this message, it’ll go to everyone anyway, not just me! If you want to just contact me then that is either by email at ste@outmedia.co.uk or on 07941 949603.

OK, to update anyone who isn’t aware, me and Deej split up a while back, he’s getting this so, as I’ve tried to tell everyone, why doesn’t matter and neither does who was to blame, I don’t want to go that route. Since July Javis has been back with us following a heart attack he had because of his drug use. Things went well for a while but went tits up again this week. Once again, why doesn’t matter, it’s just really emotional and upsetting to add to an already emotionally upsetting time. Who needs a theme park when my life is a roller coaster?

Speaking of which, me, Daisy and Adam are off to New York end of next month for a week same as me and Sean did earlier in the year. Am starting to look forward to it but still apprehensive for reasons I am not going to here.

Need to get the door on my car repaired, I say ‘my car’, it isn’t my car at all, it is Zoey’s car which me and Adam drive around. Javis damaged the door over the weekend (long story) so it needs fixing. Hopefully Adam knows someone who is going to not charge a fortune for it, anything under £100 would be good. Some other lovely person shunted a shopping trolley into one of the other doors a while back so, for a 2011 car, it’s already looking a little battered!

The car sums up a lot of my life whereby it looks great, near new car, large house etc but, it’s not mine, it’s all borrowed and can be taken away without too much difficulty, just a change in some rules and a bit of time along with my income on state benefits as Zoey’s Carer.

I am putting some serious thought into taking on fostering if I am allowed, I think I’d be good at it, it’s also a responsible income and allows me to freedom to pursue my photography as well. The money isn’t terrible, not amazing but liveable and I can supplement it with other income too as I’d be finally off benefits. The best part is, I may actually have a positive influence on someone else’s life, set them down the right path, maybe be a part of the system which doesn’t screw them up, I like being optimistic, it suits me. True, if I got offered a full time post with some responsibility in IT with photography included I’d give it some serious consideration but, making a difference is what I want to do with the second half of my life.

Am finding a need for an increased social life, am a little lacking in that department so any offers would be considered subject to my being able to afford it. My income is right down now, New York is going to be a real struggle especially as Javis used the last of my savings. So, saying no may have more to do with affordability than my avoiding anything.

This weekend I am still going down to Kent to visit relatives. we were going to cancel it but, what the hell.

Saturday I am doing a photoshoot for a theatre group in Hertfordshire. It’s important as it is the first actual serious one I’ve had and there will also be free advertising. I don’t earn any money from the photography but they will be paying my chosen charity the going rate for my work. It may lead to nothing or it could be my big break, either way, it is worth doing.

I still need to trim myself down, today I ate too much, feel really guilty. With our chief babysitter gone, it’s now more difficult to get to the gym for me and Daisy because mornings are best, evenings are way too crowded. I think we may need to start going on our own a lot more sadly … I may have to learn to take my hearing aids out and use an ipod and hope no one decides to have a chat with me! Should do some more swimming too, Daisy isn’t keen so going on my own makes sense … after the kids go back to school though, it’s a nightmare at the moment, not very good for the ipod though, swimming!

Annoying how stress and a little depression makes me feel so tired all the time. I need to be active as that produces endorphins which help me feel better but because I don’t, I feel crap which stops me! Body chemistry can be so damn frustrating at times.

Will need to regain some confidence before I can start being social with people I don’t really know, I am not ready for that as yet, still too emotional and telling my life story and and crying to new people is not really a good start I don’t think!

I think this will be enough for now, not all entries are this long! My actual blog is at the picture link below if you can see anything there!

 

I’m not Gay!

OK, OK, yes, I am still exclusively attracted to men but, I am not gay in the sense that I don’t want to shout it from the roof tops and celebrate it. I have no desire to ‘do’ Pride or to seek out gay themed entertainment. To all intents and purposes, I am just me how happens to be attracted to men but who doesn’t essentially feel the need to only be with men who want to be with men!

Damn it! I am a man with an identity beyond my sexuality. If all anyone ever thought of me was ‘that gay bloke’ I would be terribly disappointed!

So, you see, I cannot even conform to being gay!

I’m not Gay!

OK, OK, yes, I am still exclusively attracted to men but, I am not gay in the sense that I don’t want to shout it from the roof tops and celebrate it. I have no desire to ‘do’ Pride or to seek out gay themed entertainment. To all intents and purposes, I am just me how happens to be attracted to men but who doesn’t essentially feel the need to only be with men who want to be with men!

Damn it! I am a man with an identity beyond my sexuality. If all anyone ever thought of me was ‘that gay bloke’ I would be terribly disappointed!

So, you see, I cannot even conform to being gay!

Only 1?

Yes, it appears only one person has really noticed my departure from Facebook, he thought I’d blocked him so, perhaps I should have sent one of those messages that people send saying how they are leaving Facebook forever, flounced a little, waited a few days for the begging messages to stay and then … not deactivated? Or not!

So, that’s 137 ‘friends’ and only 1 noticed, sums up Facebook quite well I think.

Only 1?

Yes, it appears only one person has really noticed my departure from Facebook, he thought I’d blocked him so, perhaps I should have sent one of those messages that people send saying how they are leaving Facebook forever, flounced a little, waited a few days for the begging messages to stay and then … not deactivated? Or not!

So, that’s 137 ‘friends’ and only 1 noticed, sums up Facebook quite well I think.

Goodbye Facebook …

For now at least!

Since things got bad for me I noticed that Facebook seems to be the cop out friend … someone may be on there to play Farmville (or whatever) and they just happen to notice that someone who has been a good friend to them is having a bad time so they drop a quick note to say how they would be there (but). Occasionally, when they read something posted in desperation they respond but, do they pick up the phone? Do they get off their arse and visit? Of course not!

So, until I am feeling better I am ditching Facebook though, somehow I suspect few will notice, that’s the nature of the thing, if you’re not on it, you don’t exist!

If I am entirely honest, and I just as well be, I am struggling like hell! I feel like I am inside these body controlling it to behave how others expect yet my mind is elsewhere, feeling differently. I guess, if I believed such nonsense, that’d be the Gemini in me. In reality it’s more likely that I am totally screwed up and hurting with no release, nowhere near enough hugs and feeling let down by the people I’d thought would have found half an hour for a coffee.

A surprising few have been there like they genuinely care where they have nothing to gain from it and, that surprised me, it’s quite touching.

Hardly anyone reads this which is probably for the best.

In short, I am struggling and hurting so much that it’s difficult to accept help when offered. For once, I don’t have any answers.

The reality is, every relationship I have had has fucked up, it is tempting, maybe true to believe that there is only one common denominator in that and that is me which suggests that either I go for people for whom I am not going to be enough or that perhaps I just have to accept that I am naturally just unlucky in love and possibly it’s time to stop trying? I don’t know, thinking positive isn’t one of my strong points right now. I feel the more I do for others in life, the more lonely I feel. That could just be me but, as someone once said, just because someone is paranoid doesn’t mean they are not out to get them!

BTW, expect me to be saying ‘no’ a lot more often now. I don’t have a lot of money and with a severe lack of sleep don’t really have the energy right now so, sorry, I really am but to get me strong long term, I need to say no more now to anything for others. I need more offers of treats for me which don’t mean I have to keep driving or spending money please.

As my blog description says somewhere, just because I get angry or upset with people now and then doesn’t mean I don’t love them any more, life isn’t that black or white

xxx

Goodbye Facebook …

For now at least!

Since things got bad for me I noticed that Facebook seems to be the cop out friend … someone may be on there to play Farmville (or whatever) and they just happen to notice that someone who has been a good friend to them is having a bad time so they drop a quick note to say how they would be there (but). Occasionally, when they read something posted in desperation they respond but, do they pick up the phone? Do they get off their arse and visit? Of course not!

So, until I am feeling better I am ditching Facebook though, somehow I suspect few will notice, that’s the nature of the thing, if you’re not on it, you don’t exist!

If I am entirely honest, and I just as well be, I am struggling like hell! I feel like I am inside these body controlling it to behave how others expect yet my mind is elsewhere, feeling differently. I guess, if I believed such nonsense, that’d be the Gemini in me. In reality it’s more likely that I am totally screwed up and hurting with no release, nowhere near enough hugs and feeling let down by the people I’d thought would have found half an hour for a coffee.

A surprising few have been there like they genuinely care where they have nothing to gain from it and, that surprised me, it’s quite touching.

Hardly anyone reads this which is probably for the best.

In short, I am struggling and hurting so much that it’s difficult to accept help when offered. For once, I don’t have any answers.

The reality is, every relationship I have had has fucked up, it is tempting, maybe true to believe that there is only one common denominator in that and that is me which suggests that either I go for people for whom I am not going to be enough or that perhaps I just have to accept that I am naturally just unlucky in love and possibly it’s time to stop trying? I don’t know, thinking positive isn’t one of my strong points right now. I feel the more I do for others in life, the more lonely I feel. That could just be me but, as someone once said, just because someone is paranoid doesn’t mean they are not out to get them!

BTW, expect me to be saying ‘no’ a lot more often now. I don’t have a lot of money and with a severe lack of sleep don’t really have the energy right now so, sorry, I really am but to get me strong long term, I need to say no more now to anything for others. I need more offers of treats for me which don’t mean I have to keep driving or spending money please.

As my blog description says somewhere, just because I get angry or upset with people now and then doesn’t mean I don’t love them any more, life isn’t that black or white

xxx

Pants

For me personally, most of July was utter shit, some of the lowest points in my life. August isn’t a whole lot better if any at all.

I am really pleased that others around me are sorting their lives out but I am personally feeling like it’s all a little too much this business of life … a lot of pain which makes the gains feel less than they deserve which then makes me feel guilty for not sharing the pleasure which makes me feel more shit and so on.

My closest friends almost certainly have a really good idea what is going on, I need to make more of an effort to see them

Pants

For me personally, most of July was utter shit, some of the lowest points in my life. August isn’t a whole lot better if any at all.

I am really pleased that others around me are sorting their lives out but I am personally feeling like it’s all a little too much this business of life … a lot of pain which makes the gains feel less than they deserve which then makes me feel guilty for not sharing the pleasure which makes me feel more shit and so on.

My closest friends almost certainly have a really good idea what is going on, I need to make more of an effort to see them