Ronery

 

Now, joking apart ...

Because of the changes in my life the past few months I am feeling really isloated. No one has done anything wrong but, I feel like that 5 year old kid again in hospital, on my own, listening to matron telling my family that it's only one visitot at a time and strictly adult immediate family. Nothing was personal anymore. WHen they needed a urine sample I was stood there with 2 to 3 nurses encouing me to fill up the bottle. It was so humilating. I think they meant well but I didn't like it.

Back then, in the 60s & 70s hospital stays were always at least 2 weeks. On one occasion, because I was so short, at 5 they put me in a cot.

Moving forward nearly 60 years and my health has taken a turn for the worse. With the NHS being so rubbish how, I don't get the treatment I need/ No one doctor is overseeing everyting. I have several departments stricltly focussing on the symptoms, no one seems to be looking at the cause. So, over the last year I went from managing quite well to not managing at all. I now can't taste anything, can barely smell anything, the hearing, even with these new hearing aids is muffled, like I am hearing from a different room. My eyesight keeps fluctating too. Right now, I am looking through an out of focus fog. I am feeling stupid as my typing is terrible, so bad I feel like not bothering, It's so hard to see what I am writing and I am missing stupid typos.

Losing my ability to taste is having a huge impact on my life. I get no pleasure from food anymore. It's amazing how much of a social sharing experience it is and then it's gone. I cannot safely cook now, It's a waste of money eating out. I spent £18 on a fancy restaurant for our anniverary on fish & chips, couldn't taste any of it. Dennis had a steak, I really want to taste steak again.

For some incredibly crazy reason, I didn't notice my car seat wasn't adjusting right and, for months I stretched to reach the pedals. This ended up fracturing my fibula (stress fracture). The level of pain is incredibly, I just want to sleep but, I have to sleep alone as I move about too much and, mostly, swear in frustration that I just want to sleep. 

Couple weeks ago I had an accident in the car, that sped up the leg injury. Sure, it caused whiplash too but, that's the level of pain I am used to. My insurance company through Motability make no adjustments for those with disabilities. They got me going outside 4 times to damage pictures. It was over a week before I spoke to anyone. They want to do a personal injury claim but, the one huge change, the leg, they've taken no interest in. They were keen on the whiplash injury, arranged physiotherapy too/ Of course, no medical person spoke to me, that's a week on Monday!

Now, I am at home a lot on my own, I sleep on my own, I communicate through whatsapp, I just as well live abroad.

Family has rallied around and been there for the things I needed, the practicalities and Robin has been amazing offering t get me taxis everywhere as I cannot drive now.

For all my adult like I had dreams to focus on. This year was to be a biggie. I trip with Matt & Zach to Hong Kong. Shanghai and Tokyo to collect my final two Disney locations.

But then, just over a week ago one of my lodgers left taking away my financing for the trip. Even if I get another lodger, my health is nowhere near up to travelling and, there is this war thing in the middle east which is pushing up costs and restricting travel.

So, I am still feeling like that 5 year old stuck in this place: 

THE AWFUL OLDCHURCH HOSPITAL

The kids ward actually isn't Oldchurch but I am sure they were all much the same

I don't know if this was me at 5 but, it's close. Left alone in the ward for the majority of the time. Visits were 2 hours, one in the morning and another late afternoon, I was raised by my mum, my nan and my next door neighbour. I can recall an argument one day when my nan tried to get in to see me. I think she was allowed in but, they had to do it in shifts. Like, I was living my life on the outside, nothing familiar, no one caring for me most of the time.

You know, I am not depressed but I am distant. Since those hospital days (there were many), I have never felt so vulnerable. The other day on a visit to the eye clinic, the doctor sharted to shout at me because I had complained about his colleague, it was a horrible experience, I should feel safe in a hospital. He called me a liar 3 times and treated me like I was dumb.

I don't have my fight any more, they've effectively beaten me, the system has one and yet, I still have more fighting to do. I am waiting on a decision about my personal independance payments. This year they're up to be assessed again. Last time I had to appeal twice. I submitted it last year and am still waiting on the very early processed of it. In the meantime, I am still fighting for others, if I don't my life is a little pointless.

I miss my grandchildren, I so rarely see them and, my children of course. Obviously them.

This is me right now. It doesn't matter how amazing things around me are, sharing it alone just doesn't do it for me.

Could be a great meal, I cannot even tell you what I have been eating. The view could be amazing, I just get  cloudy blurred image of it, If you talk to me, I feel unattached from it. It's actually clearer on the phone but, part of that could be my constant exhaustian.

So, just now I am waiting out the storm in the hope it gets better, that I can get on with my life again. I don't want this, I cannot accept this is it. "It is what it is" never did work for me.

Sorry for the possible typos.