Am Silly Tired

Had a really busy day today but, let’s backtrack

Yesterday the bedroom was turned into a proper bedroom with wardrobe, drawers and so on and my computer stuff and gadgets were moved to another room. I changed my bed clothes, everything looked and worked great.

But

I stayed up late last night on the Xbox (GTA) and knew I had to get up early. Six hours is normally fine by me, 5 is quite good too so I thought it would be OK. Oh dear, it wasn’t. I seemed to be waking up and each time the clock had moved on an hour or so. By 4am I got up, used the loo, did some relaxation therapy and settled then until I woke at 7:30.

Frustrating part is that I had a really busy day lined up so have just ended up so very tired.

Now would be a good time to go bed but, I am over tired! I know I won’t sleep yet, it’s just silly like this and, I am up quite early tomorrow too.

On the plus side, I don’t have plans for Sunday, I did but now I don’t so, I might sleep a fair bit!

Monday is Essex day

Am Silly Tired

Had a really busy day today but, let’s backtrack

Yesterday the bedroom was turned into a proper bedroom with wardrobe, drawers and so on and my computer stuff and gadgets were moved to another room. I changed my bed clothes, everything looked and worked great.

But

I stayed up late last night on the Xbox (GTA) and knew I had to get up early. Six hours is normally fine by me, 5 is quite good too so I thought it would be OK. Oh dear, it wasn’t. I seemed to be waking up and each time the clock had moved on an hour or so. By 4am I got up, used the loo, did some relaxation therapy and settled then until I woke at 7:30.

Frustrating part is that I had a really busy day lined up so have just ended up so very tired.

Now would be a good time to go bed but, I am over tired! I know I won’t sleep yet, it’s just silly like this and, I am up quite early tomorrow too.

On the plus side, I don’t have plans for Sunday, I did but now I don’t so, I might sleep a fair bit!

Monday is Essex day

Positives

It’s maybe presumed that because I write negatively occasionally that I am a negative person, I am really not. Indeed, were I not such a positive person I think I should have gone mad years ago!

Those who know me well enough occasionally get infuriated by my positivity, when all they can see is negativity I jump in with an alternative more positive synopsis of a situation. Sometimes I even use a whole selection of stupendously long words, you may have noticed that?

Now, I have mentioned in other entries that, now and then, stuff really is sort of poo, there is no point asking someone to think of the positives in their life because, right at that moment they need to let go of the negatives first, it’s easier than it sounds. I use visualisation as one tool, breathing methods is another, writing yet another. Adding up all the positives doesn’t always work, maths and the mind don’t always come to the same answer.

So, when we have a negative, it’s worth asking someone else if they can see any way that this negative can be worked in our favour. In the same way as manure can be used to grow wonderful plants, perhaps our own life manure (not from the toilet please) can be used to help build our own future?

As an experiment, and this can’t, as far as I am aware, happen … try to imagine, if you will, that you have a time machine. Don’t complicate things, there is only one time machine and only you know about it. Think of a time in your life when you felt bad, a time in your life you wish didn’t happen. In your mind go back and change it, how ever you feel you would rather that would have gone. Done that? Good, now, I want you to take an honest look at your life from this new point, are you absolutely certain that change you just made won’t have affected any aspect of your current life you get some value from?

I can count on one hand the amount of things I could change with little to no impact upon my future. I can’t go back and stop my mother dying, it would change everything I now know. I can’t get that job in New York I regret not getting, that would really have changed everything. Losing my first boyfriend to a misunderstanding? I’d have no kids or grandkids now if I did that.The list goes on and those are just the events I can sort of predict the outcomes from.

How about those times I got delayed somewhere? How can I be sure that the delay didn’t actually save my life? All those bad sexual partner choices? I know now what I don’t want! All that pain as a kid? I learnt empathy. Caring for years? I learnt to put others first, how to deal with puke, poo and being hit without taking it personally. Being gay? I now know to respect difference. Years of homophobic abuse? I accept there is real evil in the world, not everyone is a friend.

You see, from just about every negative there will be a positive outcome if we just step back and look for it. We’ll go through pain until we see it but, it’s there all the same.

When we read negativity don’t distance yourself from that person, offer them something instead, some of your time. Time means so much, more than we ever really appreciate until we get it offered to us freely, time is the start of switching from negative to positive.

Positives

It’s maybe presumed that because I write negatively occasionally that I am a negative person, I am really not. Indeed, were I not such a positive person I think I should have gone mad years ago!

Those who know me well enough occasionally get infuriated by my positivity, when all they can see is negativity I jump in with an alternative more positive synopsis of a situation. Sometimes I even use a whole selection of stupendously long words, you may have noticed that?

Now, I have mentioned in other entries that, now and then, stuff really is sort of poo, there is no point asking someone to think of the positives in their life because, right at that moment they need to let go of the negatives first, it’s easier than it sounds. I use visualisation as one tool, breathing methods is another, writing yet another. Adding up all the positives doesn’t always work, maths and the mind don’t always come to the same answer.

So, when we have a negative, it’s worth asking someone else if they can see any way that this negative can be worked in our favour. In the same way as manure can be used to grow wonderful plants, perhaps our own life manure (not from the toilet please) can be used to help build our own future?

As an experiment, and this can’t, as far as I am aware, happen … try to imagine, if you will, that you have a time machine. Don’t complicate things, there is only one time machine and only you know about it. Think of a time in your life when you felt bad, a time in your life you wish didn’t happen. In your mind go back and change it, how ever you feel you would rather that would have gone. Done that? Good, now, I want you to take an honest look at your life from this new point, are you absolutely certain that change you just made won’t have affected any aspect of your current life you get some value from?

I can count on one hand the amount of things I could change with little to no impact upon my future. I can’t go back and stop my mother dying, it would change everything I now know. I can’t get that job in New York I regret not getting, that would really have changed everything. Losing my first boyfriend to a misunderstanding? I’d have no kids or grandkids now if I did that.The list goes on and those are just the events I can sort of predict the outcomes from.

How about those times I got delayed somewhere? How can I be sure that the delay didn’t actually save my life? All those bad sexual partner choices? I know now what I don’t want! All that pain as a kid? I learnt empathy. Caring for years? I learnt to put others first, how to deal with puke, poo and being hit without taking it personally. Being gay? I now know to respect difference. Years of homophobic abuse? I accept there is real evil in the world, not everyone is a friend.

You see, from just about every negative there will be a positive outcome if we just step back and look for it. We’ll go through pain until we see it but, it’s there all the same.

When we read negativity don’t distance yourself from that person, offer them something instead, some of your time. Time means so much, more than we ever really appreciate until we get it offered to us freely, time is the start of switching from negative to positive.

Lies

Hearing news of how my reputation is being ripped apart by false stories about me obviously hurts. It hurts because it means that, to some, these stories might come across as credible because they don’t know me. It might actually stop someone getting helped by me who could really do with being helped by me.
I accept why these lies are in existence, it is because someone gains something from them whether it be the moral high ground or a free lifestyle doesn’t much matter but, ironically, by telling those lies I am actually still being the same person I was when I helped them directly, at least partly, because I exist they are getting some sort of help, support or free ride, call it what you will. It is ironic that in seeking to damage me they are actually acknowledging my worth to them being the same as it always was.
Unfortunately, there will be victims in this, for every lie there is at least one believer. By the time they realise they’ve been duped it will be too late, they will be aware that they too spread those lies about me, they will have to live with that in their own minds,
You see, I know I am a good person. I know my intentions were always good even when I occasionally, perhaps all too often got things wrong. That someone makes up something horrid about me doesn’t change the absolute truth. It’s one of the other things we learn from the books which make the Bible, turn the other cheek. The actions of others do not have to make us a different person, we cannot be responsible for them or their actions. What we do about the abuse they inflict upon us is what defines us, they already defined themselves with their deeds.
I don’t hate, I refuse to because that changes the person I am. I don’t have to hate to remove someone from my life, I just need to learn. Once I have accepted that they have no capacity to accept the love I offer there is no more I can reasonably do.
I do regret the damage my actions caused to the genuine people around me, when I was faced with such a strong need to help and support another human I lost sight occasionally of others who also needed me. Long term though, I think I’d probably do the same again because I feel, though it was hard it was also needed.
The moral here is, if you feel that what you are doing is the right path to travel down then, walk that path just, keep your eyes open, if you see signs saying you’re going the wrong way, don’t ignore them, turn on the satnav, ask for help and get some truth into your new direction.
The above is taken from years of learned experiences, not just with any one individual, I’ve been the real me since around 1998 so, there will always be way more than one such situation.

Lies

Hearing news of how my reputation is being ripped apart by false stories about me obviously hurts. It hurts because it means that, to some, these stories might come across as credible because they don’t know me. It might actually stop someone getting helped by me who could really do with being helped by me.
I accept why these lies are in existence, it is because someone gains something from them whether it be the moral high ground or a free lifestyle doesn’t much matter but, ironically, by telling those lies I am actually still being the same person I was when I helped them directly, at least partly, because I exist they are getting some sort of help, support or free ride, call it what you will. It is ironic that in seeking to damage me they are actually acknowledging my worth to them being the same as it always was.
Unfortunately, there will be victims in this, for every lie there is at least one believer. By the time they realise they’ve been duped it will be too late, they will be aware that they too spread those lies about me, they will have to live with that in their own minds,
You see, I know I am a good person. I know my intentions were always good even when I occasionally, perhaps all too often got things wrong. That someone makes up something horrid about me doesn’t change the absolute truth. It’s one of the other things we learn from the books which make the Bible, turn the other cheek. The actions of others do not have to make us a different person, we cannot be responsible for them or their actions. What we do about the abuse they inflict upon us is what defines us, they already defined themselves with their deeds.
I don’t hate, I refuse to because that changes the person I am. I don’t have to hate to remove someone from my life, I just need to learn. Once I have accepted that they have no capacity to accept the love I offer there is no more I can reasonably do.
I do regret the damage my actions caused to the genuine people around me, when I was faced with such a strong need to help and support another human I lost sight occasionally of others who also needed me. Long term though, I think I’d probably do the same again because I feel, though it was hard it was also needed.
The moral here is, if you feel that what you are doing is the right path to travel down then, walk that path just, keep your eyes open, if you see signs saying you’re going the wrong way, don’t ignore them, turn on the satnav, ask for help and get some truth into your new direction.
The above is taken from years of learned experiences, not just with any one individual, I’ve been the real me since around 1998 so, there will always be way more than one such situation.

Nearly November

Did I update everyone on the ‘Jo’ situation?

My apologies, I should have done.

During August the decision came through, it had been rejected. I could see why though and it seemed quite a quick fix, another few hundred £’s but it would have been accepted, I am sure of it. However, Jo decided he didn’t want to appeal. He wanted the decision to stand and just leave it. I remember once, when I was there, if we could not just have a long distance relationship. I explained why there were so many reasons that wouldn’t work for me. Of course, I was a little stupid, perhaps a lot stupid and, turns out all he was really after was my money. I sent over rather a lot after my visit. I thought I could trust him you see. He said he wasn’t getting his wages, I believed him and sent over around £160 every 4 weeks. I paid over £300 to clear his debt on the motorbike he has, I spent nearly £2000 on legal fees and visa fees, another £600+ on flights and accommodation, paid for an English course for him, another £100 or so, this is what it looks like to be foolish and gullible.

Anyway, suffice to say my eyes were finally opened and that was that. It did hurt, obviously it did because it totally changed the direction of my life and it’s left me with a large debt I can barely afford but, like everything, it’s likely for a reason and I can move on financially hopefully next year.

It is with some regret that I chose to go with Jo, I know now that I should have waited, seen who else would come along but, yet again, I can’t second guess myself like that or time travel so I shall just have to go with what I can go with.

I am still reasonably healthy, in need of going back to the gym, I probably should spend more time with friends.

Dad is still living here, that’s likely going to be the case until next year some time. Things are well progressed there with what needed to be sorted so we’re looking for a happy outcome maybe in January.

Am still dealing with my complaint to the DWP, at least now they’re admitting they got something wrong.

I went through a huge period of severe depression, hit the bottom and bounced back up … I really wish people would not think telling me to pull myself together or think how much better off I am than someone else is going to solve anything, all it does it shows me how ignorant they are of mental health issues. What I need is friends who genuinely care and can be there with the hugs.

Needless to say, no holidays even considered for 2015. I do have a fair few of the Christmas gifts I am going to buy, it’s going to be quite tight this year though.

Nearly November

Did I update everyone on the ‘Jo’ situation?

My apologies, I should have done.

During August the decision came through, it had been rejected. I could see why though and it seemed quite a quick fix, another few hundred £’s but it would have been accepted, I am sure of it. However, Jo decided he didn’t want to appeal. He wanted the decision to stand and just leave it. I remember once, when I was there, if we could not just have a long distance relationship. I explained why there were so many reasons that wouldn’t work for me. Of course, I was a little stupid, perhaps a lot stupid and, turns out all he was really after was my money. I sent over rather a lot after my visit. I thought I could trust him you see. He said he wasn’t getting his wages, I believed him and sent over around £160 every 4 weeks. I paid over £300 to clear his debt on the motorbike he has, I spent nearly £2000 on legal fees and visa fees, another £600+ on flights and accommodation, paid for an English course for him, another £100 or so, this is what it looks like to be foolish and gullible.

Anyway, suffice to say my eyes were finally opened and that was that. It did hurt, obviously it did because it totally changed the direction of my life and it’s left me with a large debt I can barely afford but, like everything, it’s likely for a reason and I can move on financially hopefully next year.

It is with some regret that I chose to go with Jo, I know now that I should have waited, seen who else would come along but, yet again, I can’t second guess myself like that or time travel so I shall just have to go with what I can go with.

I am still reasonably healthy, in need of going back to the gym, I probably should spend more time with friends.

Dad is still living here, that’s likely going to be the case until next year some time. Things are well progressed there with what needed to be sorted so we’re looking for a happy outcome maybe in January.

Am still dealing with my complaint to the DWP, at least now they’re admitting they got something wrong.

I went through a huge period of severe depression, hit the bottom and bounced back up … I really wish people would not think telling me to pull myself together or think how much better off I am than someone else is going to solve anything, all it does it shows me how ignorant they are of mental health issues. What I need is friends who genuinely care and can be there with the hugs.

Needless to say, no holidays even considered for 2015. I do have a fair few of the Christmas gifts I am going to buy, it’s going to be quite tight this year though.

Bleak Times, Mental Illness sucks

The past few weeks I’ve been a bit stressy (A ‘bit’ he says). I couldn’t help the way I was feeling. I usually see these things coming and nip them in the bud before they get going but, this one caught me on the back foot and took hold.

I know why, you don’t need to know, not on here anyway but my behaviour during it let me down and hurt people I had no right to hurt.

Most my friends and particularly family have stood by me. I lost some friends along the way but, I think I needed to do that, some unfinished business playing on my mind with some of them.

So, today, 12th October 2014 I am starting again. I did a reboot yesterday which was horrible but today I am ready to go and the man upstairs must know this and has kindly provided some blue sky and sunshine for me.

It’s difficult to talk about mental health issues, it’s not like a broken arm or something visible. Unless someone has suffered from it then it comes across as negativity and selfishness and probably a few other things as well.

Mental Health – I don’t talk about it much but it’s plagued me for my entire life. The first time I totally collapsed to it was around 1992. I’d been under a lot of emotional pressure with home life, wider family, work and sexuality and I was just about coping. One day tipped me. Travelling back from a weekend away we were involved in a car accident. The car was a write off but we were lucky, it could have been a whole lot worse. I got a little adrenalin rush on the day but nothing I couldn’t deal with but, the next morning I lost it. Full blown panic attacks. If you’ve not had that it’s sort of horrible. Heart racing, sweating loads, feeling like something is out to get you from all angles, shaking, quite bizarre to go from normal to that. The attacks happened more and more frequently, many times a day. I got to the point where all I would do was sleep, day and night. I lost my job over it. After a few weeks I got some medical attention and was on medication for two years, it took a good 18 months before the symptoms had totally stopped. Those symptoms included the desire every night not to wake the next morning.

I visited psychologists and psychiatrists and both seemed to conclude the same thing, my repressed sexuality had a lot to do with it but also my inability to express my emotions or control them. One taught me how to control the nightmare (which were horrible) that I was having. I did get control of those nightmares, it’s fairly easy to do but, at a price. It opened my mind up to sleeping with waking thoughts. Each night I go to bed I rarely dream fantasy, instead I dream my life, solve daily problems, live a day during a night. True, I have solved many issues when asleep. But, the side effect of that is feeling constantly shattered like I never get a break in fantasyland.

Along with the dream control I was taught how to recognise the symptoms of depression and anxiety in the very early stages and various techniques of breathing and meditation to stop them. They work too except, sometimes now the episodes come on so quickly I am playing catch up. Whereas I can stop the nasty thoughts dead in their tracks right from the start in moments, once they get going it takes weeks of hard work and, that’s great if I have weeks but, most often I don’t. I need, like many other people, to get on with my life as though nothing is happening.

Just recently I had too much going on all at the same time. I committed myself to a path that, if it went tits up would make me look stupid and hurt loads. Along the way I had someone who shouldn’t have done so, steal from me. I’d got myself in a lot of debt to cover the cost of my life changing commitment and then it all went wrong at a time when I totally didn’t have the time to sort out my feelings on it. One thing just added to another and I’d lost it basically. Unable to use any of my coping methods I spiralled out of control.

So, I needed to shut down and reboot. It’s a horrible experiencing having to do that. Shut away, dark room, lots of tears, shaking, horrible thoughts and desperation. Not a good time for anyone to interrupt. Yes, it would be much easier with someone else just to hug, no questions asked most likely but, it’s not like someone suffering like that can plan it all out. It’s dragging yourself down to the lowest place possible then climbing back up.

The period I am in now is the pretending stage, I act OK, I don’t allow myself a moment of negativity, I smile a lot, I get on and do things and then, very slowly I convince myself everything is OK again. The process takes a few weeks and I am fragile during that time. It’s when ideally I need loads of people to be cool with me, I mean, want me about, do cool things not act like ice cubes! I need to get out and laugh, see what’s right in my life. Without that, I still get there but the process is longer. It is the best possible time for those who understand how I feel to do what they can.

This barely scratched the surface of how it feels but might go a little way to explain it. It could be that, unless you’ve ever suffered that nothing can explain it.

Basically, when I feel like that it doesn’t mean I don’t care it is just I lose the ability to show it in a way that you might need me to. Everything I say is to try and make things better I just screw it up and make things worse.

If you know someone who suffers from issues like this, try not to make their lives harder. Telling them someone is worse off or advising them to pull themselves together is not helpful, not even possible in most case to pull themselves together. Saying that someone is worse off is like telling someone who just broke their arm that they shouldn’t complain about the pain because a broken back is so much worse. When a person feels pain either physically or emotionally then that pain is real to them. They need support and understanding not banishment and ridicule.

Feel free to ask any questions if you’d like to

Bleak Times, Mental Illness sucks

The past few weeks I’ve been a bit stressy (A ‘bit’ he says). I couldn’t help the way I was feeling. I usually see these things coming and nip them in the bud before they get going but, this one caught me on the back foot and took hold.

I know why, you don’t need to know, not on here anyway but my behaviour during it let me down and hurt people I had no right to hurt.

Most my friends and particularly family have stood by me. I lost some friends along the way but, I think I needed to do that, some unfinished business playing on my mind with some of them.

So, today, 12th October 2014 I am starting again. I did a reboot yesterday which was horrible but today I am ready to go and the man upstairs must know this and has kindly provided some blue sky and sunshine for me.

It’s difficult to talk about mental health issues, it’s not like a broken arm or something visible. Unless someone has suffered from it then it comes across as negativity and selfishness and probably a few other things as well.

Mental Health – I don’t talk about it much but it’s plagued me for my entire life. The first time I totally collapsed to it was around 1992. I’d been under a lot of emotional pressure with home life, wider family, work and sexuality and I was just about coping. One day tipped me. Travelling back from a weekend away we were involved in a car accident. The car was a write off but we were lucky, it could have been a whole lot worse. I got a little adrenalin rush on the day but nothing I couldn’t deal with but, the next morning I lost it. Full blown panic attacks. If you’ve not had that it’s sort of horrible. Heart racing, sweating loads, feeling like something is out to get you from all angles, shaking, quite bizarre to go from normal to that. The attacks happened more and more frequently, many times a day. I got to the point where all I would do was sleep, day and night. I lost my job over it. After a few weeks I got some medical attention and was on medication for two years, it took a good 18 months before the symptoms had totally stopped. Those symptoms included the desire every night not to wake the next morning.

I visited psychologists and psychiatrists and both seemed to conclude the same thing, my repressed sexuality had a lot to do with it but also my inability to express my emotions or control them. One taught me how to control the nightmare (which were horrible) that I was having. I did get control of those nightmares, it’s fairly easy to do but, at a price. It opened my mind up to sleeping with waking thoughts. Each night I go to bed I rarely dream fantasy, instead I dream my life, solve daily problems, live a day during a night. True, I have solved many issues when asleep. But, the side effect of that is feeling constantly shattered like I never get a break in fantasyland.

Along with the dream control I was taught how to recognise the symptoms of depression and anxiety in the very early stages and various techniques of breathing and meditation to stop them. They work too except, sometimes now the episodes come on so quickly I am playing catch up. Whereas I can stop the nasty thoughts dead in their tracks right from the start in moments, once they get going it takes weeks of hard work and, that’s great if I have weeks but, most often I don’t. I need, like many other people, to get on with my life as though nothing is happening.

Just recently I had too much going on all at the same time. I committed myself to a path that, if it went tits up would make me look stupid and hurt loads. Along the way I had someone who shouldn’t have done so, steal from me. I’d got myself in a lot of debt to cover the cost of my life changing commitment and then it all went wrong at a time when I totally didn’t have the time to sort out my feelings on it. One thing just added to another and I’d lost it basically. Unable to use any of my coping methods I spiralled out of control.

So, I needed to shut down and reboot. It’s a horrible experiencing having to do that. Shut away, dark room, lots of tears, shaking, horrible thoughts and desperation. Not a good time for anyone to interrupt. Yes, it would be much easier with someone else just to hug, no questions asked most likely but, it’s not like someone suffering like that can plan it all out. It’s dragging yourself down to the lowest place possible then climbing back up.

The period I am in now is the pretending stage, I act OK, I don’t allow myself a moment of negativity, I smile a lot, I get on and do things and then, very slowly I convince myself everything is OK again. The process takes a few weeks and I am fragile during that time. It’s when ideally I need loads of people to be cool with me, I mean, want me about, do cool things not act like ice cubes! I need to get out and laugh, see what’s right in my life. Without that, I still get there but the process is longer. It is the best possible time for those who understand how I feel to do what they can.

This barely scratched the surface of how it feels but might go a little way to explain it. It could be that, unless you’ve ever suffered that nothing can explain it.

Basically, when I feel like that it doesn’t mean I don’t care it is just I lose the ability to show it in a way that you might need me to. Everything I say is to try and make things better I just screw it up and make things worse.

If you know someone who suffers from issues like this, try not to make their lives harder. Telling them someone is worse off or advising them to pull themselves together is not helpful, not even possible in most case to pull themselves together. Saying that someone is worse off is like telling someone who just broke their arm that they shouldn’t complain about the pain because a broken back is so much worse. When a person feels pain either physically or emotionally then that pain is real to them. They need support and understanding not banishment and ridicule.

Feel free to ask any questions if you’d like to