Tis Calm

At the moment that is.

What I would really like is for this to be my last blog entry for November

Tis Calm

At the moment that is.

What I would really like is for this to be my last blog entry for November

Blimey

OK, the ‘blimey’ comes later …

Today has been mostly spent with Robin finally getting around to fitting shelves up in his cupboard.

I chose the design last week but today has been the first time to actually put it up. Matt & James worked brilliantly together and done a brilliant job, I have been very proud of the two of them. I am also dead pleased at how well they get on. It’s hard to believe James has not been part of this family for years and it is a credit to both of them that they have adapted to the change.

Now, to the main event … Deej was about to make a cup of tea for himself. I was in the office, James was upstairs and the girls in bed. We heard an almighty scream with crashes and bangs. The kitchen cabinet had come off the wall hitting Deej on the head and was hanging by one screw only. Bits and pieces were all over the place. Thankfully the cut on his head was just minor and was soon treated by the in house nurse (that’ll be me). The wall is a right mess though. The council are so going to hear about this tomorrow, I am not a happy bunny. Had this been Zoey or Daisy it had happened to the consequences could have been a lot more serious.

Blimey

OK, the ‘blimey’ comes later …

Today has been mostly spent with Robin finally getting around to fitting shelves up in his cupboard.

I chose the design last week but today has been the first time to actually put it up. Matt & James worked brilliantly together and done a brilliant job, I have been very proud of the two of them. I am also dead pleased at how well they get on. It’s hard to believe James has not been part of this family for years and it is a credit to both of them that they have adapted to the change.

Now, to the main event … Deej was about to make a cup of tea for himself. I was in the office, James was upstairs and the girls in bed. We heard an almighty scream with crashes and bangs. The kitchen cabinet had come off the wall hitting Deej on the head and was hanging by one screw only. Bits and pieces were all over the place. Thankfully the cut on his head was just minor and was soon treated by the in house nurse (that’ll be me). The wall is a right mess though. The council are so going to hear about this tomorrow, I am not a happy bunny. Had this been Zoey or Daisy it had happened to the consequences could have been a lot more serious.

All my fault (apparently)

That’s right, social services don’t have to pay me anything to look after James because it was all my fault that I collected and brought him here, nothing to do with them. So, until such time as we become ‘OK’ when the CRB checks are back, they won’t pay more than £15 each week. When the CRB checks come back, they will look at the options we have suggested to them but not until then.

We should not need anything to take James to France as far as I can gather. Because he is 16 he doesn’t need permission to leave the UK and travel.

The nominated person from social services also lied to me. I asked clearly how much for the furniture and she eventually, after a long time, said her boss said £200. Now she is claiming she never said that. This despite that her boss also told me himself he said £200 last week. She is saying that she told James and I that they would be paying £200 for the furniture and the TV. To make matters worse and where I so think they are incorrect and very unfair, they are taking this money from James ‘leavers allowance’ which is the amount of money they are meant to pay when a child leaves care. That despite the fact that they have not confirmed his placement here so, in theory, he could be still ‘looked after’ for some 18 months! I really feel they are abusing their position in this and intend to write a letter of complaint.

On the plus side, and I mean this weakly, they have agreed to give James £100 spending money for the holiday which kicks me in the teeth for having spent around £200 to get him with us of my own money. They are contributing £95 to his £170 TV.

It just seems really sick that I am saving them a lot of money doing the right thing here and they can get away with daylight robbery and lies.

My previous motor insurers refunded me the money from my premium which will come in handy.

As a result of my complaint against ‘Abbey’ I am meant to be getting £80

Work was shit again today. Nothing to do, or, rather, nothing I actually could do. I do have some tasks I’d like to do but can’t do them because of the delays on getting the software sorted. Add to that no one has agreed where the site is meant to sit and that I don’t have any reliable regular hardware to use and I am just not seeing any point going in any longer. Apparently I can’t have full access rights as it would be a conflict of interests because I am still a carer. I have pointed out that it may be construed I am getting special treatment because I could potentially be saving them thousands on their website but they seem to have missed that little issue.

All my fault (apparently)

That’s right, social services don’t have to pay me anything to look after James because it was all my fault that I collected and brought him here, nothing to do with them. So, until such time as we become ‘OK’ when the CRB checks are back, they won’t pay more than £15 each week. When the CRB checks come back, they will look at the options we have suggested to them but not until then.

We should not need anything to take James to France as far as I can gather. Because he is 16 he doesn’t need permission to leave the UK and travel.

The nominated person from social services also lied to me. I asked clearly how much for the furniture and she eventually, after a long time, said her boss said £200. Now she is claiming she never said that. This despite that her boss also told me himself he said £200 last week. She is saying that she told James and I that they would be paying £200 for the furniture and the TV. To make matters worse and where I so think they are incorrect and very unfair, they are taking this money from James ‘leavers allowance’ which is the amount of money they are meant to pay when a child leaves care. That despite the fact that they have not confirmed his placement here so, in theory, he could be still ‘looked after’ for some 18 months! I really feel they are abusing their position in this and intend to write a letter of complaint.

On the plus side, and I mean this weakly, they have agreed to give James £100 spending money for the holiday which kicks me in the teeth for having spent around £200 to get him with us of my own money. They are contributing £95 to his £170 TV.

It just seems really sick that I am saving them a lot of money doing the right thing here and they can get away with daylight robbery and lies.

My previous motor insurers refunded me the money from my premium which will come in handy.

As a result of my complaint against ‘Abbey’ I am meant to be getting £80

Work was shit again today. Nothing to do, or, rather, nothing I actually could do. I do have some tasks I’d like to do but can’t do them because of the delays on getting the software sorted. Add to that no one has agreed where the site is meant to sit and that I don’t have any reliable regular hardware to use and I am just not seeing any point going in any longer. Apparently I can’t have full access rights as it would be a conflict of interests because I am still a carer. I have pointed out that it may be construed I am getting special treatment because I could potentially be saving them thousands on their website but they seem to have missed that little issue.

Feeling ....

… a little better

Many of the problems have not gone away but I am now in a ‘what the hell’ mood.

For the first time in several years I am debt free. I have this car of course but, that aside, I don’t have any huge great debts. Just as long as things remain as they are I am actually better off each week than I was a month ago.

We are really looking forward to Disney, it promises to be really great if the weather doesn’t let us down (and it might). Just fingers cross, no rain. Of course, I used to know someone who would reasonably reliably be able to tell me what we are likely to expect but hey ho.

Work tomorrow. Not sure if they got the hint to make sure I am employed. I hope so because when I am working I enjoy it but just sitting around looking for work has never ever appealed to me my entire life. I need to be kept active else it defeats the object.

Posted a letter direct to Atari in France earlier … just wondering if they would be so ‘bull in a china shop’ as their solicitors of whether they are prepared (unlike their solicitors) to listen to reason. Time will tell … I am expecting a letter to arrive on December 24th giving me a court date for December 31st! That way I can start 2009 badly so things can only get better from then on.

My health is starting to recover after the painting, always takes a few days and sometimes weeks but I can feel the change now.

Watched Ballet Trocadero in Birmingham last Thursday with Robin, really excellent and funny though, cos of recent events I was exhausted so did struggle to stay awake quite a bit. The humongous meal beforehand didn’t help either with its belt busting qualities!

I got to thinking a little while back, who actually reads this? The trouble is, if I actually give that some serious thought I have to try and make it interesting and we simply can’t have that at all!

Feeling ....

… a little better

Many of the problems have not gone away but I am now in a ‘what the hell’ mood.

For the first time in several years I am debt free. I have this car of course but, that aside, I don’t have any huge great debts. Just as long as things remain as they are I am actually better off each week than I was a month ago.

We are really looking forward to Disney, it promises to be really great if the weather doesn’t let us down (and it might). Just fingers cross, no rain. Of course, I used to know someone who would reasonably reliably be able to tell me what we are likely to expect but hey ho.

Work tomorrow. Not sure if they got the hint to make sure I am employed. I hope so because when I am working I enjoy it but just sitting around looking for work has never ever appealed to me my entire life. I need to be kept active else it defeats the object.

Posted a letter direct to Atari in France earlier … just wondering if they would be so ‘bull in a china shop’ as their solicitors of whether they are prepared (unlike their solicitors) to listen to reason. Time will tell … I am expecting a letter to arrive on December 24th giving me a court date for December 31st! That way I can start 2009 badly so things can only get better from then on.

My health is starting to recover after the painting, always takes a few days and sometimes weeks but I can feel the change now.

Watched Ballet Trocadero in Birmingham last Thursday with Robin, really excellent and funny though, cos of recent events I was exhausted so did struggle to stay awake quite a bit. The humongous meal beforehand didn’t help either with its belt busting qualities!

I got to thinking a little while back, who actually reads this? The trouble is, if I actually give that some serious thought I have to try and make it interesting and we simply can’t have that at all!

Analogy

I was wondering earlier how best to describe things and this is the analogy I came up with:

… it’s a little like the family car. It’s vital, it is appreciated and quite possibly admired. The merits of it will be shared and spoken about but, bottom line is, when not required it is in the driveway, alone. No one feels the need to boost the ego or moral of the car because there is no need, it functions. Only when it splutters does someone think it may need some attention and then, quite possibly, it is discarded for a model creating fewer demands upon them.

Analogy

I was wondering earlier how best to describe things and this is the analogy I came up with:

… it’s a little like the family car. It’s vital, it is appreciated and quite possibly admired. The merits of it will be shared and spoken about but, bottom line is, when not required it is in the driveway, alone. No one feels the need to boost the ego or moral of the car because there is no need, it functions. Only when it splutters does someone think it may need some attention and then, quite possibly, it is discarded for a model creating fewer demands upon them.

Lonely

If I was as good as I sometimes think I am at psychology then I would understand why it is that for many weeks I have felt the way that I do but I am not as good as I’d like to be so I just don’t understand this.

The facts, as I know them are this:

• Clearly I am loved and admired by many
• Many depend on me for their happiness, their well-being and financial security
• I work really hard
• I push my self to my limits and go out of my way to do the right thing

Knowing those things doesn’t change the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely.

I don’t ever feel as though anyone thinks more than in momentary passing what it is that Steve needs in life. Anyone who seems to make the effort generally seem to have their own motivation & satisfaction at heart. This makes me feel like a non person. Like ‘that’ I exist is important but ‘who I am’ simply isn’t.

When it comes to being looked after and nurtured I am bottom of the list, at the back of the queue. Those around me who do so little get rewarded with treats and pleasures whilst I am left to get on with things and carry on working. I don’t remember a day when I have had the day off, not had to do anything all day. That is not to say it hasn’t happened but more that this is such a rare occurrence I just can’t remember it. Indeed, it would have to be a birthday or something similar before anyone consider my existing for long enough to believe an effort should be made.

Someone owes me money but they find it more convenient to rewrite history than to repay the loan. I never said “You don’t have to repay me” I said, “I don’t expect to be repaid but it would be really good if you did”. To my way of thinking that means, in light of how difficult it has been to get blood out of your stone I don’t expect to be repaid, that doesn’t mean you don’t owe the money, more that I predict my insisting on repayment won’t get me anything. So, they write history to my cost and then flaunt their money in front of me.

Because of a stupid mistake I made early in the year I could find myself effectively bankrupt within 12 months. That thought scares me constantly. I don’t often make mistakes but I made that one and either way I am going to have to pay for it. If I settle now then I have to make those around me go without now, just before Christmas. If I leave it, I may lose and then have to make those around me go without later. Which ever I decide I am going to lose big time, those around me will dislike me for it, I shall feel humiliated and unsupported. Whilst this is going on I am being asked if I am going on holiday next year! The simple fact is, I can’t really make a commitment about anything any longer. I really don’t know what money I am likely to have and it is scary. I am doing OK now but with this legal battle ahead of me I could well be royally screwed.

Social Services are being arses over James. It seems to me the only course of action is really to allow James autonomy to make his own choices. To remove his involvement with social services and to be self reliant with my help. That clearly further reduces my financial abilities as I will have to fund him with the situation being so that I can’t even claim for child benefit if he attends college.

Next month I have the tribunal hearing with regard to Jermaine and his DLA. I am expecting that to this time be rejected for us to have to put in an appeal. If it is approved then we shall still have to wait for the DWP to once again object and appeal. It is going to be many months before I have the slightest idea what is going on.

In short, my best doesn’t feel good enough any more. I am questioning my abilities. I don’t feel valued as a person and valued as a resource isn’t good enough for me.

Lonely

If I was as good as I sometimes think I am at psychology then I would understand why it is that for many weeks I have felt the way that I do but I am not as good as I’d like to be so I just don’t understand this.

The facts, as I know them are this:

• Clearly I am loved and admired by many
• Many depend on me for their happiness, their well-being and financial security
• I work really hard
• I push my self to my limits and go out of my way to do the right thing

Knowing those things doesn’t change the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely.

I don’t ever feel as though anyone thinks more than in momentary passing what it is that Steve needs in life. Anyone who seems to make the effort generally seem to have their own motivation & satisfaction at heart. This makes me feel like a non person. Like ‘that’ I exist is important but ‘who I am’ simply isn’t.

When it comes to being looked after and nurtured I am bottom of the list, at the back of the queue. Those around me who do so little get rewarded with treats and pleasures whilst I am left to get on with things and carry on working. I don’t remember a day when I have had the day off, not had to do anything all day. That is not to say it hasn’t happened but more that this is such a rare occurrence I just can’t remember it. Indeed, it would have to be a birthday or something similar before anyone consider my existing for long enough to believe an effort should be made.

Someone owes me money but they find it more convenient to rewrite history than to repay the loan. I never said “You don’t have to repay me” I said, “I don’t expect to be repaid but it would be really good if you did”. To my way of thinking that means, in light of how difficult it has been to get blood out of your stone I don’t expect to be repaid, that doesn’t mean you don’t owe the money, more that I predict my insisting on repayment won’t get me anything. So, they write history to my cost and then flaunt their money in front of me.

Because of a stupid mistake I made early in the year I could find myself effectively bankrupt within 12 months. That thought scares me constantly. I don’t often make mistakes but I made that one and either way I am going to have to pay for it. If I settle now then I have to make those around me go without now, just before Christmas. If I leave it, I may lose and then have to make those around me go without later. Which ever I decide I am going to lose big time, those around me will dislike me for it, I shall feel humiliated and unsupported. Whilst this is going on I am being asked if I am going on holiday next year! The simple fact is, I can’t really make a commitment about anything any longer. I really don’t know what money I am likely to have and it is scary. I am doing OK now but with this legal battle ahead of me I could well be royally screwed.

Social Services are being arses over James. It seems to me the only course of action is really to allow James autonomy to make his own choices. To remove his involvement with social services and to be self reliant with my help. That clearly further reduces my financial abilities as I will have to fund him with the situation being so that I can’t even claim for child benefit if he attends college.

Next month I have the tribunal hearing with regard to Jermaine and his DLA. I am expecting that to this time be rejected for us to have to put in an appeal. If it is approved then we shall still have to wait for the DWP to once again object and appeal. It is going to be many months before I have the slightest idea what is going on.

In short, my best doesn’t feel good enough any more. I am questioning my abilities. I don’t feel valued as a person and valued as a resource isn’t good enough for me.