Friday 30th October 2009

Mad dash to Milton Keynes this morning as we were all in the mood for some meatballs from Ikea and lovely they were too.

This afternoon James came over, first time he’s seen Josh since 16th October. He called asking to see him yesterday. Being a bit of a busy day today, well, this afternoon for sure, she suggested he came over about 3 until 5 (ish). He turned up at 3 and stayed until 4:50 though, the (ish) part meant he could stay until at least 5pm.

There were no apologies for the wishes of death upon us, the insults to Deej, the statement on Facebook that he’d kill me himself for want of a gun, none of that. But, apart from that and a few minor niggles, all seemed well.

Third hand news though, apparently, how true this is I don’t know, he’s written on Facebook that he was given no privacy whilst he was here.

He spent the entire time in Josh’s room. Daisy and Sean were in their bedroom where they would normally be that time of day, Deej was only here part of the time and then, in the office, Zoey was in her room and I was either in the office or in Daisy & Seans bedroom, all quite normal for us lot. The baby monitor was on but then, it always is and it could have been turned off for want of asking, we didn’t even think about it until this apparent comment, we certainly didn’t pay any attention to it.

So, if true, again, another visit which had to be critisized rather than appreciated, why?

Basically, the best thing for Josh is that we all at least try to get along, I just don’t understand why James has to be posting negative comments about us all the time?

True. I don’t know for sure it is true though, I am sure someone will send me a screen grab some time soon, there are enough interested parties volunteering such things. I don’t need to post this here but, it’s my release, always has been and, I feel justified being honest on here. Whilst untruths exist elsewhere on the net, I use this space to tell anyone interested, the way things really happened.

Have a lovely visitor this evening who stopped for dinner and, as usual, another busy Saturday for tomorrow.

Friday 30th October 2009

Mad dash to Milton Keynes this morning as we were all in the mood for some meatballs from Ikea and lovely they were too.

This afternoon James came over, first time he’s seen Josh since 16th October. He called asking to see him yesterday. Being a bit of a busy day today, well, this afternoon for sure, she suggested he came over about 3 until 5 (ish). He turned up at 3 and stayed until 4:50 though, the (ish) part meant he could stay until at least 5pm.

There were no apologies for the wishes of death upon us, the insults to Deej, the statement on Facebook that he’d kill me himself for want of a gun, none of that. But, apart from that and a few minor niggles, all seemed well.

Third hand news though, apparently, how true this is I don’t know, he’s written on Facebook that he was given no privacy whilst he was here.

He spent the entire time in Josh’s room. Daisy and Sean were in their bedroom where they would normally be that time of day, Deej was only here part of the time and then, in the office, Zoey was in her room and I was either in the office or in Daisy & Seans bedroom, all quite normal for us lot. The baby monitor was on but then, it always is and it could have been turned off for want of asking, we didn’t even think about it until this apparent comment, we certainly didn’t pay any attention to it.

So, if true, again, another visit which had to be critisized rather than appreciated, why?

Basically, the best thing for Josh is that we all at least try to get along, I just don’t understand why James has to be posting negative comments about us all the time?

True. I don’t know for sure it is true though, I am sure someone will send me a screen grab some time soon, there are enough interested parties volunteering such things. I don’t need to post this here but, it’s my release, always has been and, I feel justified being honest on here. Whilst untruths exist elsewhere on the net, I use this space to tell anyone interested, the way things really happened.

Have a lovely visitor this evening who stopped for dinner and, as usual, another busy Saturday for tomorrow.

Hair

New Look

Daisy and I had our hair done today … cost a fortune, hope it is liked as much by others as it is by us!

Daisy’s new look with Sean & Joshua

I have never been so knackered afer a visit to the hairdressers … we went in at 11:00 and came out again at 16:30!

Managed to speak to James social worker earlier … he is under the impression, from James, we have denied James access to Josh … if you’ve read before, you’ll know that is not the case. I imagine he’ll put James straight soon and, in the near future I can report that James has contacted us to arrange a visit.

Hair

New Look

Daisy and I had our hair done today … cost a fortune, hope it is liked as much by others as it is by us!

Daisy’s new look with Sean & Joshua

I have never been so knackered afer a visit to the hairdressers … we went in at 11:00 and came out again at 16:30!

Managed to speak to James social worker earlier … he is under the impression, from James, we have denied James access to Josh … if you’ve read before, you’ll know that is not the case. I imagine he’ll put James straight soon and, in the near future I can report that James has contacted us to arrange a visit.

For the Record JAMES

Neither Daisy or myself stopped James seeing Josh, in fact, we are still not stopping him … he has made no attempt to see him at all in over a week now.

It was not my idea to go to court, I spent an age trying to prevent it.

What James had was the following and. he knows damn well this is the truth so let’s have no more of his damn lies …

He was able to visit any time.
He could stay over if he wanted (and did both of those things)
We were working to him being able to cope with Josh at his place as soon as Christmas but he said he still couldn’t.
He accepted our hospitality and paid nothing for it
He ate here and drank here, used our Xbox and internet connection and my mobile whenever he wanted to
He has paid a total, an absolute total of £10 toward the cost of his son, he still owes me nearly £70 for two items he bought for Josh.

When he met Chrlsea and it got serious the week Josh was born he devoted his interests to her and away from Josh

He was meant to go to Kent with us but decided to stay at home instead. When we still thought he was coming with us he said he couldn’t see Josh during the week because he wanted to spend time with Chelsea which he did. He then decided on the Wednesday not to go with us yet still spent the Thursday evening with Chelsea. He called up and got me to collect him and his bike from Chelseas house the other side of town after 8pm when he knew Josh would be in bed (he and Daisy agreed 8pm was Josh’s bedtime)

He had a little while with Josh when he got here.

The point of his coming over was to see Josh yet whilst Josh was up and about to spend time with his dad, James was either on the phone to Chelsea or on MSN. He said that he’d be on duty overnight to take care of Josh yet didn’t get up even once. In the morning, around 9am, he was woken up to sort Josh out but said he was too tired and made someone else go deal with him.

When we were in town he got my son Matt to change Josh’s smelly nappy as he just refused. At home, Josh had a dirty nose but James wouldn’t clean him, Sean had to do that.

The deal for such good access and help being able to cope with Josh was the following …

He would forget any idea of going to court, as he wanted to do prior to Josh being born, and tell the social worker pushing for him to do that to go away. There was one earlier issue which he was to strictly keep to himself of a personal nature ….

When it became obvious one person knew what they should not have known James promised that no one else would know … he also promised there was no chance anyone else knew. that was all he had to do … in return he got this:

The above access
His name on Josh’s birth certificate
His being able to be here when Josh was born and to cut the cord

What did James actually do?

He continued to see the social worker
He told too many people about the personal issue, we only found out how many by accident and, even then, he lied about.

As soon as his name was on the birth certificate … more on that in a bit … he went nasty. He was even being nasty to Daisy during the registration process making her feel intimidated.

When we discovered he’d lied about the personal issue I said he needed to stay away until I had smoothed things out … I promised I would do so. That was Friday 16th October. He didn’t attempt to make contact at all so I called him after sorting things out at home to find out why not and whether he’d prepared to just simply apologise (over facebook as it happens) and everthing would be OK, he could come round Saturday evening.

He said, he couldn’t come round as Chelsea was staying at his … I suggested that maybe, if he wanted to see Josh he could ask her to go home … he refused.

Daisy got really angry that he would put his 15 year old girlfriend ahead of his son so she went round there and asked him outright, was he going to resume proper access or would he prefer to go to court and get the sort of pathetic access they would offer?

He said he didn’t want to go to court so again, he was asked if perhaps his girlfriend could go home and he said it was impossible. He asked me and Daisy to go round the next  morning, the Sunday, to talk things over with him and sort things out so he could come over on the Sunday.

Daisy and I got there when we said we would but he was out.

It turns out, he went over to Chelseas the Saturday night, the night he said it was impossible to get back over there as he was ‘upset’. He was again asked if he was going to sort the mess out or did he want to go to court he got really abusive insisting I should die or ‘summat’

At no time ever did either me or Daisy say he couldn’t see Josh … the first time going the legal route was mentioned was from James social worker. Had either Daisy or I wanted that option then we could have simply not offered him any of the above, it would have been a lot easier just to shut him out and go legal

Now, on Facebook, James is pretending that somehow it was all our idea, we told him he has to go to court and he had no choice in the matter. That is just an outright lie. We did no such thing, the decision to go to court was just the only option left available … what else could anyone have done when James made it clear he wanted no more to do with the access he already had?

Again, on Facebook, James has been making death threats against me, I shall report those to the police in the morning. Telling lies is one thing but saying how he hates me and would happily shoot me if he got his hands on a gun is another. I don’t have to and will not put up with that sort of thing.

No one in this family has done anything wrong, we did our very best to include James in everything even offering for him to come on holiday with us.

When Josh was born there were hugs all round and tears of joy, I am not making it up … we have two midwives would testify to how welcome James was made and countless pictures … not one picture on James profile was taken with his phone yet many of him and Chelsea appear there.

On Facebook again he answers the question, earlier on today, which are the two people you miss the most … he answers, his mummy and daddy, not a mention of his son.

Throughout his profile on there and in various quizzes he describes himself as awesome and very happy … hardly consusive with the image he lies about of his being really upset that his son has been taken away from him … were it me, and my son, I would have been extra nice to my ex’s family to maintain that good contact, I would have done anything within the law to see him. James has done nothing, zero, not a moment of anything to see Josh since October 16th.

James is welcome to comment on this entry, anyone can … I can easily prove anything I have said above and provide witnesses that James has done what I said, unrelated witnesses too. I am happy to talk to anyone about it and swear under oath in court it is true and present the evidence we have.

On the matter of the birth certificate …

The arrangement was that James came to our at 2:30pm that afternoon and we’d all go into town. Remember, as far as we were aware, we all got along fine at this time.

He called me at lunchtime that day … he asked if he could see Josh the following day, I agreed but asked if he was sure ‘tomorrow’ and not ‘today’? He said he was sure and he’d see me tomorrow … in other words, too late for the registration.

I called his mum, spoke to her about a confusion we had between us but also mentioned the registration problem. She said that James had told her he had no idea when Josh was being registered. I suggested she may want to remind him.

The appointment was for 3:30pm, James turned up at 3:28 on his bike at the registry office … he then blamed Daisy for telling him the wrong place … remember, Daisy didn’t tell him anywhere as he was meant to be at ours for 2:30. He also told Daisy he’d arranged to meet Chelsea the other side of town, some 15-20 mins away at 4pm … now, it doesn’t take rocket science to work out he’d forgot … rather than me man enough to admit his mum had to remind him, he was nasty to Daisy blaming her … this is the level of committment and degree of responsibility James has with regard to his son … he’d forgotten his registration yet remembered to be at his girlfriends house!

James lies are going to catch up with him … he cannot keep telling them and fool everyone all of the time … people need to know, this is what James does, he lies to get what he wants or, to deflect guilt from himself …

One thing very clear … any loss of contact between James and Josh is entirely James choice.

As it stands now, we will just have to sort it out through the court. Daisy will honour and respect any decision the court shall make based on the evidence and. most important, in Josh’s best interests.

I don’t like James spreading lies about me, I really don’t but it is what he does. He’s been doing it for over 9 months now. I like even less the death threats …

See the very last question …. says it all. Social services tell me to inform the police, I shall

For the Record JAMES

Neither Daisy or myself stopped James seeing Josh, in fact, we are still not stopping him … he has made no attempt to see him at all in over a week now.

It was not my idea to go to court, I spent an age trying to prevent it.

What James had was the following and. he knows damn well this is the truth so let’s have no more of his damn lies …

He was able to visit any time.
He could stay over if he wanted (and did both of those things)
We were working to him being able to cope with Josh at his place as soon as Christmas but he said he still couldn’t.
He accepted our hospitality and paid nothing for it
He ate here and drank here, used our Xbox and internet connection and my mobile whenever he wanted to
He has paid a total, an absolute total of £10 toward the cost of his son, he still owes me nearly £70 for two items he bought for Josh.

When he met Chrlsea and it got serious the week Josh was born he devoted his interests to her and away from Josh

He was meant to go to Kent with us but decided to stay at home instead. When we still thought he was coming with us he said he couldn’t see Josh during the week because he wanted to spend time with Chelsea which he did. He then decided on the Wednesday not to go with us yet still spent the Thursday evening with Chelsea. He called up and got me to collect him and his bike from Chelseas house the other side of town after 8pm when he knew Josh would be in bed (he and Daisy agreed 8pm was Josh’s bedtime)

He had a little while with Josh when he got here.

The point of his coming over was to see Josh yet whilst Josh was up and about to spend time with his dad, James was either on the phone to Chelsea or on MSN. He said that he’d be on duty overnight to take care of Josh yet didn’t get up even once. In the morning, around 9am, he was woken up to sort Josh out but said he was too tired and made someone else go deal with him.

When we were in town he got my son Matt to change Josh’s smelly nappy as he just refused. At home, Josh had a dirty nose but James wouldn’t clean him, Sean had to do that.

The deal for such good access and help being able to cope with Josh was the following …

He would forget any idea of going to court, as he wanted to do prior to Josh being born, and tell the social worker pushing for him to do that to go away. There was one earlier issue which he was to strictly keep to himself of a personal nature ….

When it became obvious one person knew what they should not have known James promised that no one else would know … he also promised there was no chance anyone else knew. that was all he had to do … in return he got this:

The above access
His name on Josh’s birth certificate
His being able to be here when Josh was born and to cut the cord

What did James actually do?

He continued to see the social worker
He told too many people about the personal issue, we only found out how many by accident and, even then, he lied about.

As soon as his name was on the birth certificate … more on that in a bit … he went nasty. He was even being nasty to Daisy during the registration process making her feel intimidated.

When we discovered he’d lied about the personal issue I said he needed to stay away until I had smoothed things out … I promised I would do so. That was Friday 16th October. He didn’t attempt to make contact at all so I called him after sorting things out at home to find out why not and whether he’d prepared to just simply apologise (over facebook as it happens) and everthing would be OK, he could come round Saturday evening.

He said, he couldn’t come round as Chelsea was staying at his … I suggested that maybe, if he wanted to see Josh he could ask her to go home … he refused.

Daisy got really angry that he would put his 15 year old girlfriend ahead of his son so she went round there and asked him outright, was he going to resume proper access or would he prefer to go to court and get the sort of pathetic access they would offer?

He said he didn’t want to go to court so again, he was asked if perhaps his girlfriend could go home and he said it was impossible. He asked me and Daisy to go round the next  morning, the Sunday, to talk things over with him and sort things out so he could come over on the Sunday.

Daisy and I got there when we said we would but he was out.

It turns out, he went over to Chelseas the Saturday night, the night he said it was impossible to get back over there as he was ‘upset’. He was again asked if he was going to sort the mess out or did he want to go to court he got really abusive insisting I should die or ‘summat’

At no time ever did either me or Daisy say he couldn’t see Josh … the first time going the legal route was mentioned was from James social worker. Had either Daisy or I wanted that option then we could have simply not offered him any of the above, it would have been a lot easier just to shut him out and go legal

Now, on Facebook, James is pretending that somehow it was all our idea, we told him he has to go to court and he had no choice in the matter. That is just an outright lie. We did no such thing, the decision to go to court was just the only option left available … what else could anyone have done when James made it clear he wanted no more to do with the access he already had?

Again, on Facebook, James has been making death threats against me, I shall report those to the police in the morning. Telling lies is one thing but saying how he hates me and would happily shoot me if he got his hands on a gun is another. I don’t have to and will not put up with that sort of thing.

No one in this family has done anything wrong, we did our very best to include James in everything even offering for him to come on holiday with us.

When Josh was born there were hugs all round and tears of joy, I am not making it up … we have two midwives would testify to how welcome James was made and countless pictures … not one picture on James profile was taken with his phone yet many of him and Chelsea appear there.

On Facebook again he answers the question, earlier on today, which are the two people you miss the most … he answers, his mummy and daddy, not a mention of his son.

Throughout his profile on there and in various quizzes he describes himself as awesome and very happy … hardly consusive with the image he lies about of his being really upset that his son has been taken away from him … were it me, and my son, I would have been extra nice to my ex’s family to maintain that good contact, I would have done anything within the law to see him. James has done nothing, zero, not a moment of anything to see Josh since October 16th.

James is welcome to comment on this entry, anyone can … I can easily prove anything I have said above and provide witnesses that James has done what I said, unrelated witnesses too. I am happy to talk to anyone about it and swear under oath in court it is true and present the evidence we have.

On the matter of the birth certificate …

The arrangement was that James came to our at 2:30pm that afternoon and we’d all go into town. Remember, as far as we were aware, we all got along fine at this time.

He called me at lunchtime that day … he asked if he could see Josh the following day, I agreed but asked if he was sure ‘tomorrow’ and not ‘today’? He said he was sure and he’d see me tomorrow … in other words, too late for the registration.

I called his mum, spoke to her about a confusion we had between us but also mentioned the registration problem. She said that James had told her he had no idea when Josh was being registered. I suggested she may want to remind him.

The appointment was for 3:30pm, James turned up at 3:28 on his bike at the registry office … he then blamed Daisy for telling him the wrong place … remember, Daisy didn’t tell him anywhere as he was meant to be at ours for 2:30. He also told Daisy he’d arranged to meet Chelsea the other side of town, some 15-20 mins away at 4pm … now, it doesn’t take rocket science to work out he’d forgot … rather than me man enough to admit his mum had to remind him, he was nasty to Daisy blaming her … this is the level of committment and degree of responsibility James has with regard to his son … he’d forgotten his registration yet remembered to be at his girlfriends house!

James lies are going to catch up with him … he cannot keep telling them and fool everyone all of the time … people need to know, this is what James does, he lies to get what he wants or, to deflect guilt from himself …

One thing very clear … any loss of contact between James and Josh is entirely James choice.

As it stands now, we will just have to sort it out through the court. Daisy will honour and respect any decision the court shall make based on the evidence and. most important, in Josh’s best interests.

I don’t like James spreading lies about me, I really don’t but it is what he does. He’s been doing it for over 9 months now. I like even less the death threats …

See the very last question …. says it all. Social services tell me to inform the police, I shall

Being a Graddad

Josh

It is very difficult to describe becoming a grandparent. In some ways, not a lot different to becoming a parent except, the pressure to prove is not there. The fear isn’t there … OK, not true. Many of the same fears are there, the health issues, cot death to name but some. What isn’t there is the fear of whether I will know what to do or not, I just do and, if I am not totally right or, even, quite off the mark about it, I don’t panic because I do know when to worry, and when not to.

By the time our kids have kids there is little point worrying too much whether we did a good enough job or not as parents, we already know that and it’s way too late to change anything now anyway. In my case, no, I know I didn’t do a good enough job. I am not sure, had I recognised when I was going wrong, I could have changed anything, I really just don’t know. Should it have been obvious to me that the rosy image I had of my family was not quite so rosy? Well, yes, it should. I should have known that this ideal life they had at school with them being popular and near celebrities because of my sexuality had to be fake. I just so wanted to save myself that feeling of guilt so I brushed that aside all too often when I should have been checking. Because they felt bullied and neglected, (that neglect I cannot really accept blame for, circumstances were extremely difficult with Jermaine), they sought a better lifestyle away from the home and accepted what was on offer which led them, Matt and Daisy, down a path they ought not have taken. By the time I realised, there was little I could do but damage limitation.

Hopefully, both are now OK … I say ‘hopefully’ because, like any parent, we really only know what they let on and tell us.

Daisy is an amazing mum, I know Matt will be just as amazing as a dad. Kids, never assume anything, if there are any doubts at all in your minds whether your babies are doing OK, don’t stop until you know for sure.

We know Daisy is going to go through a difficult next few months dealing with yet another mess caused by James. Please, let this legal action be the last time he screws with this family and be the start of him growing up and making some sort of attempt at honesty and getting along. Matt, I know, is going to find life a total struggle with money … son, don’t borrow out of financial trouble, it always makes it worse. If it means one of you has to work more than you would like then that’s what you have to do. You know you have me and Deej and Anne’s family too who will support you as much as we can and, as grandparents, I am sure both sides will be more than happy to babysit.

I love being a granddad … yes, I do get ever so annoyed, slightly flattered, but mainly annoyed, when people come up to me and tell me how lovely they are at this age and how ‘I’ have the difficult times to come. People, I am not the dad! Maybe I need to put the weight on again and get my hair grey or something?

Earlier, we were talking about Christmas and I was thinking what I may like for Christmas … two grandchildren, what could be better? (If anyone says 3, I shall be very cross indeed!)

Being a Graddad

Josh

It is very difficult to describe becoming a grandparent. In some ways, not a lot different to becoming a parent except, the pressure to prove is not there. The fear isn’t there … OK, not true. Many of the same fears are there, the health issues, cot death to name but some. What isn’t there is the fear of whether I will know what to do or not, I just do and, if I am not totally right or, even, quite off the mark about it, I don’t panic because I do know when to worry, and when not to.

By the time our kids have kids there is little point worrying too much whether we did a good enough job or not as parents, we already know that and it’s way too late to change anything now anyway. In my case, no, I know I didn’t do a good enough job. I am not sure, had I recognised when I was going wrong, I could have changed anything, I really just don’t know. Should it have been obvious to me that the rosy image I had of my family was not quite so rosy? Well, yes, it should. I should have known that this ideal life they had at school with them being popular and near celebrities because of my sexuality had to be fake. I just so wanted to save myself that feeling of guilt so I brushed that aside all too often when I should have been checking. Because they felt bullied and neglected, (that neglect I cannot really accept blame for, circumstances were extremely difficult with Jermaine), they sought a better lifestyle away from the home and accepted what was on offer which led them, Matt and Daisy, down a path they ought not have taken. By the time I realised, there was little I could do but damage limitation.

Hopefully, both are now OK … I say ‘hopefully’ because, like any parent, we really only know what they let on and tell us.

Daisy is an amazing mum, I know Matt will be just as amazing as a dad. Kids, never assume anything, if there are any doubts at all in your minds whether your babies are doing OK, don’t stop until you know for sure.

We know Daisy is going to go through a difficult next few months dealing with yet another mess caused by James. Please, let this legal action be the last time he screws with this family and be the start of him growing up and making some sort of attempt at honesty and getting along. Matt, I know, is going to find life a total struggle with money … son, don’t borrow out of financial trouble, it always makes it worse. If it means one of you has to work more than you would like then that’s what you have to do. You know you have me and Deej and Anne’s family too who will support you as much as we can and, as grandparents, I am sure both sides will be more than happy to babysit.

I love being a granddad … yes, I do get ever so annoyed, slightly flattered, but mainly annoyed, when people come up to me and tell me how lovely they are at this age and how ‘I’ have the difficult times to come. People, I am not the dad! Maybe I need to put the weight on again and get my hair grey or something?

Earlier, we were talking about Christmas and I was thinking what I may like for Christmas … two grandchildren, what could be better? (If anyone says 3, I shall be very cross indeed!)

Seeing things differently

Someone said to me recently, actually, ‘someone’ would be James Davies. That I did nothing for him, didn’t try to help him in any way, am just a prick.

Well, since he walked out on this family and his son I have had a chance to recall some of the things I ‘did’ do for him even though many, I am sorry to say, were misguided and based upon his lies.

• Because he said he was in trouble and had no where else to go, I drove 260 miles down to Folkestone to pick him up.
• I brought him into my home, I fed him, clothed him and loved him as a member of this family
• I paid for him to go on holiday with us to France
• I bought him his glasses
• I allowed him to repay me some of what he owed by effectively NOT paying me any rent for several weeks, in short, he never repaid me at all.
• When he was ill I sat with him day and night
• I took him to the hospital with his panic attacks
• I drove him to visit his mother in Folkestone more than once
• I moved our office not once but twice costing me money each time
• I dealt with aggravation from his family and abuse at times
• I really did try everything I could to mediate between him and Daisy
• I adjusted my own values to allow him virtually free say in my home.
• I was there at his flat when he said he was ill
• I spent ages trying to negotiate with his parents when he said he wanted to marry my daughter
• I allowed him the luxury of options when they told me they were expecting a baby
• I taught him to cook, to generally look after a home
• I didn’t kill him or punish him when he damaged my new car
• I went against my entire family because I was trying to help him be a better person
• I put in a complaint to social services because of the way I think they mishandled his case
• I visited his grandparents with him
• I negotiated so that he could be practically all the way through the birth of Josh and arranged things so he could have his name on Josh’s birth certificate
• I still supported him after his father barged into my house on my birthday this year threatening me in James name … Mr £40!
• I have loaned him money countless time and no, I don’t get it back.
• I have made myself ill with worry over him
• I drove him to college when he said he was too ill, I was not to know he just didn’t want to go.
• I helped him with a CV, not once but twice
• I helped him look for a job
• I collected him from all over the place, even recently from his girlfriends house
• When he called very late at night from Emily’s, I was there for him

Oh, I could go on, I can’t be though because, with James, he doesn’t care. It simply doesn’t matter what the truth is because, it would seem, to him life is all one big lie. Because he lies to get what he wants then he seems to presume that everyone else is a liar too, that no one can be doing anything just because they care.

Well, I did and still do care greatly but, with what he has now done, my hands are tied, I cannot do any more without going that bit too far with the rest of the family and I am not prepared to do that especially knowing, as I do from bitter experience, that James will just throw it all back in my face. He will use the excuse that he didn’t ask me to do anything for him (actually he did. several times). That I did nothing for him, I am a dick-head and a prick, that I am shit under his Adios.

Where we go from here I don’t really know. All I can really do now is to continue to support those people who value my support and my love. The most annoying thing is, if a similar situation arose again, I’d probably do all the same things. It is not fair on others to allow James actions to change me as a person.

James said I am a control freak. There is some truth in that. I don’t dictate though. I have ideas and, quite often, those ideas make sense so people follow them. That may give the impression I am controlling everything. It’s really not the same thing. The only area where I am controlling is in my need to have my home a safe space for everyone. Those living here and guests are expected to behave in a respectful manner and not be prejudiced against anyone else. I don’t like hats worn in the house, it makes me feel as though that person feels uncomfortable here and, I have it in my head it is disrespectful. I dislike gum, it smells and I find trying to talk to someone chewing is off putting. I am cool with anyone wandering around the house in their underwear if they are sleeping here yet, strangely, I don’t much like people not quite wearing their clothes such as ‘sagging’. I expect those who lives here to pull their weight according to their abilities. That teaches everyone how to live with others and not take the piss by being a lazy git who sits on their arse all day whilst those around them keep things clean and tidy, provide food and drink and generally contributes.

James also said I am a money grabber … there is zero truth in that, it is classic transference. I have never owed James anything, he has owed me loads (and still does). I have always been generous to him and paid out for him way more than he ever contributed financially to this household. It should be remembered, James was a stranger to me prior to October 2008, I didn’t owe him anything. There is simply no evidence to support any claim I am a money grabber. If there is a confusion it is in this … if I loan someone money, I do expect, at some point when it is obvious they can do so, that they repay me. This is ‘my’ money, I am not grabbing anything from them just trying to teach that it is very bad form to borrow with no intent to repay.

I’d love to know what other rubbish James spoke about anyone else here. With the amount of lies, no doubt many would love to know some of the lies he’s said about them too!

When I was critical of the guys in Newton some time ago, who do you think told me what I thought I knew?

Back then I was still living in hope that James told me the truth at all, now I just have no idea what was true and what wasn’t. It is the old story of the girl who cried wolf who was ultimately eaten by wolves … keep lying about something often enough and, eventually, we just stop believing anything. I cannot help anyone who lies to me, there are just too many variables. Perhaps if more people were open and honest about what is really true, life would be so much easier!

Seeing things differently

Someone said to me recently, actually, ‘someone’ would be James Davies. That I did nothing for him, didn’t try to help him in any way, am just a prick.

Well, since he walked out on this family and his son I have had a chance to recall some of the things I ‘did’ do for him even though many, I am sorry to say, were misguided and based upon his lies.

• Because he said he was in trouble and had no where else to go, I drove 260 miles down to Folkestone to pick him up.
• I brought him into my home, I fed him, clothed him and loved him as a member of this family
• I paid for him to go on holiday with us to France
• I bought him his glasses
• I allowed him to repay me some of what he owed by effectively NOT paying me any rent for several weeks, in short, he never repaid me at all.
• When he was ill I sat with him day and night
• I took him to the hospital with his panic attacks
• I drove him to visit his mother in Folkestone more than once
• I moved our office not once but twice costing me money each time
• I dealt with aggravation from his family and abuse at times
• I really did try everything I could to mediate between him and Daisy
• I adjusted my own values to allow him virtually free say in my home.
• I was there at his flat when he said he was ill
• I spent ages trying to negotiate with his parents when he said he wanted to marry my daughter
• I allowed him the luxury of options when they told me they were expecting a baby
• I taught him to cook, to generally look after a home
• I didn’t kill him or punish him when he damaged my new car
• I went against my entire family because I was trying to help him be a better person
• I put in a complaint to social services because of the way I think they mishandled his case
• I visited his grandparents with him
• I negotiated so that he could be practically all the way through the birth of Josh and arranged things so he could have his name on Josh’s birth certificate
• I still supported him after his father barged into my house on my birthday this year threatening me in James name … Mr £40!
• I have loaned him money countless time and no, I don’t get it back.
• I have made myself ill with worry over him
• I drove him to college when he said he was too ill, I was not to know he just didn’t want to go.
• I helped him with a CV, not once but twice
• I helped him look for a job
• I collected him from all over the place, even recently from his girlfriends house
• When he called very late at night from Emily’s, I was there for him

Oh, I could go on, I can’t be though because, with James, he doesn’t care. It simply doesn’t matter what the truth is because, it would seem, to him life is all one big lie. Because he lies to get what he wants then he seems to presume that everyone else is a liar too, that no one can be doing anything just because they care.

Well, I did and still do care greatly but, with what he has now done, my hands are tied, I cannot do any more without going that bit too far with the rest of the family and I am not prepared to do that especially knowing, as I do from bitter experience, that James will just throw it all back in my face. He will use the excuse that he didn’t ask me to do anything for him (actually he did. several times). That I did nothing for him, I am a dick-head and a prick, that I am shit under his Adios.

Where we go from here I don’t really know. All I can really do now is to continue to support those people who value my support and my love. The most annoying thing is, if a similar situation arose again, I’d probably do all the same things. It is not fair on others to allow James actions to change me as a person.

James said I am a control freak. There is some truth in that. I don’t dictate though. I have ideas and, quite often, those ideas make sense so people follow them. That may give the impression I am controlling everything. It’s really not the same thing. The only area where I am controlling is in my need to have my home a safe space for everyone. Those living here and guests are expected to behave in a respectful manner and not be prejudiced against anyone else. I don’t like hats worn in the house, it makes me feel as though that person feels uncomfortable here and, I have it in my head it is disrespectful. I dislike gum, it smells and I find trying to talk to someone chewing is off putting. I am cool with anyone wandering around the house in their underwear if they are sleeping here yet, strangely, I don’t much like people not quite wearing their clothes such as ‘sagging’. I expect those who lives here to pull their weight according to their abilities. That teaches everyone how to live with others and not take the piss by being a lazy git who sits on their arse all day whilst those around them keep things clean and tidy, provide food and drink and generally contributes.

James also said I am a money grabber … there is zero truth in that, it is classic transference. I have never owed James anything, he has owed me loads (and still does). I have always been generous to him and paid out for him way more than he ever contributed financially to this household. It should be remembered, James was a stranger to me prior to October 2008, I didn’t owe him anything. There is simply no evidence to support any claim I am a money grabber. If there is a confusion it is in this … if I loan someone money, I do expect, at some point when it is obvious they can do so, that they repay me. This is ‘my’ money, I am not grabbing anything from them just trying to teach that it is very bad form to borrow with no intent to repay.

I’d love to know what other rubbish James spoke about anyone else here. With the amount of lies, no doubt many would love to know some of the lies he’s said about them too!

When I was critical of the guys in Newton some time ago, who do you think told me what I thought I knew?

Back then I was still living in hope that James told me the truth at all, now I just have no idea what was true and what wasn’t. It is the old story of the girl who cried wolf who was ultimately eaten by wolves … keep lying about something often enough and, eventually, we just stop believing anything. I cannot help anyone who lies to me, there are just too many variables. Perhaps if more people were open and honest about what is really true, life would be so much easier!

A Better Day

Much of today was spent on the phone getting legal advice about the future, about residency and access, that sort of thing. If we are lucky, it should all be sorted by March and we can all get back to normal. Shame it takes so long to process but there has to be the solicitors writing letters, the caffcass people doing their assessments for the court, all the history to go into, interviews … hell, loads of stuff which was totally avoidable but which now, we just have to get on with.

Not a lot shall be happening this side of Christmas so at least we can make plans knowing for sure now who is involved and, probably more important, who isn’t.

What we are doing now is probably what we should have done back in May or whenever it was that Daisy split from James, leaving it to the experts. Daisy will have her legal team and James will have whoever he has. We’ll go to the social services meeting but Daisy’s actions will be governed by her lawyer not anything that James, social services or anyone except a court judgement may want. It’s a shame to have to go that route in so many ways but … James chose not to work with us but against us, we just carried on being generous like we have been just about most of the time he has known us despite some of the most awful treatment from him.

I don’t know why he has chosen this way of working, and, you know what, I really don’t care any longer. I did for a year, I really did care but, everyone has to reach that point where enough is enough and I finally got there. How things will pan out in the future I don’t know, I can’t imagine, feeling as I do right at this moment, he’ll ever be able to earn any sort of respect from any of us in this family.

What I shall not do is ever tell his son the negatives about him. I don’t think that serves a purpose in any way unless there happens to be a safety aspect. But, as things stand, I shall try and find the good in James to share with Josh. I have to be honest, as I feel now, that’s going to be difficult but, thankfully, I have plenty of time to come up with something. If I stick to home movies and holidays, maybe that will do. Maybe James himself will share his current thinking with Josh when he’s old enough. I just so hope he matures enough not to tell Josh stuff he doesn’t need to know in an attempt to point score or create bad feeling. This isn’t about me, James or Daisy, it’s about Josh 100%. It’s about allowing him to have as happy a life as it is possible to have. Any one of us slagging off someone else is going to cause all sort of emotional damage to him, it has to be avoided. On the plus side, he’s incredibly young right now, there are a few years yet for people to calm down and work out what is important, for him.

One thing to 100% make clear here is … I am not driving this. I am supporting most certainly but I would support equally whether Daisy chose to go to court or have another friendly chat with James, it is entirely her decision. I hate it when I am accused of controlling Daisy. She’s a mum and quite capable of making decisions. At worst I try to present all her options exactly as I did when I was first told about the pregnancy.

On another note but loosely connected … I am starting to seriously think about Christmas. But, with all the cost of grandchildren to consider the latter part of this year, Christmas 2009 is going to be very trimmed indeed. No one will be getting gifts of the three figure variety, I really just can’t do that and keep the plans we have for next year as well.

A Better Day

Much of today was spent on the phone getting legal advice about the future, about residency and access, that sort of thing. If we are lucky, it should all be sorted by March and we can all get back to normal. Shame it takes so long to process but there has to be the solicitors writing letters, the caffcass people doing their assessments for the court, all the history to go into, interviews … hell, loads of stuff which was totally avoidable but which now, we just have to get on with.

Not a lot shall be happening this side of Christmas so at least we can make plans knowing for sure now who is involved and, probably more important, who isn’t.

What we are doing now is probably what we should have done back in May or whenever it was that Daisy split from James, leaving it to the experts. Daisy will have her legal team and James will have whoever he has. We’ll go to the social services meeting but Daisy’s actions will be governed by her lawyer not anything that James, social services or anyone except a court judgement may want. It’s a shame to have to go that route in so many ways but … James chose not to work with us but against us, we just carried on being generous like we have been just about most of the time he has known us despite some of the most awful treatment from him.

I don’t know why he has chosen this way of working, and, you know what, I really don’t care any longer. I did for a year, I really did care but, everyone has to reach that point where enough is enough and I finally got there. How things will pan out in the future I don’t know, I can’t imagine, feeling as I do right at this moment, he’ll ever be able to earn any sort of respect from any of us in this family.

What I shall not do is ever tell his son the negatives about him. I don’t think that serves a purpose in any way unless there happens to be a safety aspect. But, as things stand, I shall try and find the good in James to share with Josh. I have to be honest, as I feel now, that’s going to be difficult but, thankfully, I have plenty of time to come up with something. If I stick to home movies and holidays, maybe that will do. Maybe James himself will share his current thinking with Josh when he’s old enough. I just so hope he matures enough not to tell Josh stuff he doesn’t need to know in an attempt to point score or create bad feeling. This isn’t about me, James or Daisy, it’s about Josh 100%. It’s about allowing him to have as happy a life as it is possible to have. Any one of us slagging off someone else is going to cause all sort of emotional damage to him, it has to be avoided. On the plus side, he’s incredibly young right now, there are a few years yet for people to calm down and work out what is important, for him.

One thing to 100% make clear here is … I am not driving this. I am supporting most certainly but I would support equally whether Daisy chose to go to court or have another friendly chat with James, it is entirely her decision. I hate it when I am accused of controlling Daisy. She’s a mum and quite capable of making decisions. At worst I try to present all her options exactly as I did when I was first told about the pregnancy.

On another note but loosely connected … I am starting to seriously think about Christmas. But, with all the cost of grandchildren to consider the latter part of this year, Christmas 2009 is going to be very trimmed indeed. No one will be getting gifts of the three figure variety, I really just can’t do that and keep the plans we have for next year as well.

Used

It appears we now have to go down the legal route with James.

He claims we have done nothing to help him and has asked me to … OK, I quote:

“you are such a little prick your worth shit you are shit you are The lowest of lowes.. a bum y0ou need to go kill ya self or summat get out of this shit life you got with ya fucked up family “

So, anyway, the official route it is.

If anyone can see what he has to gain from this, do let me know because, to me, he’s just shot himself in the foot or cut off his nose to spite his face

Used

It appears we now have to go down the legal route with James.

He claims we have done nothing to help him and has asked me to … OK, I quote:

“you are such a little prick your worth shit you are shit you are The lowest of lowes.. a bum y0ou need to go kill ya self or summat get out of this shit life you got with ya fucked up family “

So, anyway, the official route it is.

If anyone can see what he has to gain from this, do let me know because, to me, he’s just shot himself in the foot or cut off his nose to spite his face

Quiet Ponderings

Am not sure I like ‘Quiet’, not at home anyway. It feels rather ‘useless’.

As I travel through life I, like many others must surely do, as myself “What is this all about?” The truth, I suppose, is that we probably won’t ever know for sure. It could be some deep and meaningful enlightenment, some learning process or, indeed, we could be here for no purpose at all, we just ‘are’.

Perhaps many have decided, like me, that if there is a possibility that we are here for no greater good, no purpose, that we just have to change that, be our own rule book effectively, our own judge on whether or not we consider ourselves to justify our continued existence on this planet.

I have not yet got my personal balance right. I spend too much time on the part of my life dedicated to helping others, not enough time on my own needs, indeed, I feel real guilt if I do something just for me. Even worse is when someone does something for me. It is so rare that this happens, someone selflessly doing something from which only I benefit that it throws my senses, I really don’t know how to react. By the time I have fully absorbed the experience it has past and I have greatly missed most of what I should have gained from it. In sort, it takes me too long to sort out for myself what I am able to sort out in a few moments with other people.

What aspects of my being am I happy or not happy with?

• I don’t think I communicate well enough. Genuine offers of help I give to people are sometimes taken as my trying to control them. What tends to happen is that I look at a situation, analyse it and my brain comes up with at least one powerful possibly solution. In my mind it is the right thing to do, will work for them, solve their problems but, what I often forget to tell them is quite possibly the most important part, they still have a choice. Just because I feel it is their personal salvation this does not mean and should not mean they have to follow that path. To every problem there are any number of workable solutions.
• There is a feeling of pride in me when I see a person full of woe walk away happy with a way to resolve their issues. It is, to me, a great feeling of achievement to change the life of another from misery and despair to happiness and contentment. That feeling could not be replaced by any reward.
• Generally speaking, I manage money quite well. I like to think I am fair with my money, generous even. I would rather go short myself than see someone else struggling. It deeply upsets me that I cannot financially help all those I know and care about to the point which would make a difference.
• I have a deep and real need to feel loved (don’t most people) yet, when I am I often cannot accept it. I distrust my feelings on the subject and see others caring for me as a temporary state which shall, at some point, be replaced with something less pleasant.
• I refuse, totally and absolutely to hate anyone. I will never allow myself to accept that someone does not have good in them somewhere. This is both to my credit and, quite possibly, one of my failings. My logical brain tells me that there has to be people who cannot be rescued out of themselves, away from their past. People who are just so set on their path they are never going to deviate. Knowing that, even accepting that, I still cannot stop my heart from ignoring it.
• Rules, I make them and I break them. Once again I am torn between whether this is good or bad? At the time I make a rule it is needed but, as time passes, I become to realise that there is either a better way or that the introduction was based more on my feelings at the time than any real ‘need’.
• Consistency, I am not consistent enough and this is vital to achieve much of what I want to achieve in life. I have been known, to my shame, to treat some people less favourably than others through little more than their appearance, that is so deeply wrong and I am working on that failure of mine.
• If I am honest, and there is no point writing this if not, I am weak. Yes, I come across as strong willed, someone with endless abilities to keep going but that is not really how I feel. Each time someone really needs me, a little piece of myself sighs and wonders where I am going to get the energy from, the emotional reserve power. I shall always find it, many of my other points would collapse if I didn’t but, that feeling is always there. I am weak too in that, unless I feel I am appreciated, needed even, my heart sinks and I feel real failure. To think I have helped someone only to discover they are laughing at me behind my back or degrading my name hurts like hell. It is a real struggle each time for me to get back up from that and I know, one day I just won’t.
• I am a contradiction. Some of my most contended moments have been when I have had so little. This is not an invitation for anyone to help themselves to my ‘stuff’ but it is true that the times I have been most at peace I have had nothing but other people and the environment around me. Things don’t make me feel part of something, they are just things. I need to be around people and yet, when I am, more often than not I am shaking inside. Really feeling like I am not worthy, everyone dislikes me, they don’t want me here, all those sort of insecurities but yet, no one (I think) can tell this to look at me. I am a contradiction, an ‘actor’.
• Very few people actually understand me and how I work, I think, were I to count it up, perhaps only one person does or ever did. It could be very unfair to explain who that is and, in a way, I am truly sorry because the reason that person understands me is mainly because they are a carbon copy of me which means, they too, feel almost exactly the same way much of the time.
• False image … fitting in with much which has been said already, I know I portray, unintentionally, a false persona. This means I come across as much stronger than I am which means others feel empowered, almost encouraged, to throw things at me. Not in the literal, pick it up and throw way but in an emotional way. I am proud of my ability to bounce back but each time I cry about it inside. It is the same feeling I had from a childhood of being bullied. The ‘front’ has always been an essential shield but it doesn’t actually protect me from the blow, just allows me the ability to survive it.
• At 46 I am aware I know so much. The answers to many things are available to me in my head and, if not, I know where to get them. I don’t feel useless now like I did for much of my earlier life. However, knowing what I know gives me an insight to what I don’t know. The latter far outweighs the former and that worries me. I fear I may never reach my full potential and that bothers me. Worse yet, were I to even get close, I don’t have a way or an ability be able to demonstrate it more than word of mouth and, to date, that has not amounted to much and can be destroyed far more easily than it has been created by just one vindictive person. No one can can take away a doctorate but a reputation can be taken down in moments.

Is life worth living?

Well, for that we have to know why we are here. If we really believe we are here for no purpose, that we exist and then we don’t and nothing else matters, quite possibly I fear we have no reason, no justification for being, we are an affront against all things natural just because of our own arrogance. If I place my worth on whether or not others may remember me fondly, consider me of value, yes, I have to answer that life is worth living and I can state my case for it as written above and my place here would be assured until the natural failure of my body (or a bus or whatever).

If I could have one secondary wish, I shall explain why ‘secondary wish’ in a moment, it would be the ability to fully comprehend, to know what others think of me, I mean ‘really’ think and not the image they feel comfortable sharing. We all do that don’t we? Were someone to ask we’d give them the edited highlights. Few of us are ever truly honest. I know I have had deep feelings of love for people before, not lust, don’t confuse the two, but feelings of love and yet they’d know little more than I value them as friends or think they are cool. What a waste of a genuine powerful feeling that is. I also know, on the other side of the coin, I have had deep feelings of loathing towards people and yet, if asked I’d probably say they were a little annoying at times but generally OK … is that really useful to me or them? I feel these feelings may need some explaining when shared, there is little worse than us complaining about someone without a constructive observation for improving the way things are. Not much point saying we love someone unless we tell them in what way and, perhaps as importantly, in what way it isn’t.

Now, I said about a secondary wish which needs an explanation … my first wish would always be for my kids and those I love (who are many) to have enriched and contended lives. How that comes about is unimportant but that is my primary wish. Were I to have a third wish, it may be for my own happiness and contentment but, I could not have that without the other two.

Do we spell the word ‘book’ as BLOG these days?

Quiet Ponderings

Am not sure I like ‘Quiet’, not at home anyway. It feels rather ‘useless’.

As I travel through life I, like many others must surely do, as myself “What is this all about?” The truth, I suppose, is that we probably won’t ever know for sure. It could be some deep and meaningful enlightenment, some learning process or, indeed, we could be here for no purpose at all, we just ‘are’.

Perhaps many have decided, like me, that if there is a possibility that we are here for no greater good, no purpose, that we just have to change that, be our own rule book effectively, our own judge on whether or not we consider ourselves to justify our continued existence on this planet.

I have not yet got my personal balance right. I spend too much time on the part of my life dedicated to helping others, not enough time on my own needs, indeed, I feel real guilt if I do something just for me. Even worse is when someone does something for me. It is so rare that this happens, someone selflessly doing something from which only I benefit that it throws my senses, I really don’t know how to react. By the time I have fully absorbed the experience it has past and I have greatly missed most of what I should have gained from it. In sort, it takes me too long to sort out for myself what I am able to sort out in a few moments with other people.

What aspects of my being am I happy or not happy with?

• I don’t think I communicate well enough. Genuine offers of help I give to people are sometimes taken as my trying to control them. What tends to happen is that I look at a situation, analyse it and my brain comes up with at least one powerful possibly solution. In my mind it is the right thing to do, will work for them, solve their problems but, what I often forget to tell them is quite possibly the most important part, they still have a choice. Just because I feel it is their personal salvation this does not mean and should not mean they have to follow that path. To every problem there are any number of workable solutions.
• There is a feeling of pride in me when I see a person full of woe walk away happy with a way to resolve their issues. It is, to me, a great feeling of achievement to change the life of another from misery and despair to happiness and contentment. That feeling could not be replaced by any reward.
• Generally speaking, I manage money quite well. I like to think I am fair with my money, generous even. I would rather go short myself than see someone else struggling. It deeply upsets me that I cannot financially help all those I know and care about to the point which would make a difference.
• I have a deep and real need to feel loved (don’t most people) yet, when I am I often cannot accept it. I distrust my feelings on the subject and see others caring for me as a temporary state which shall, at some point, be replaced with something less pleasant.
• I refuse, totally and absolutely to hate anyone. I will never allow myself to accept that someone does not have good in them somewhere. This is both to my credit and, quite possibly, one of my failings. My logical brain tells me that there has to be people who cannot be rescued out of themselves, away from their past. People who are just so set on their path they are never going to deviate. Knowing that, even accepting that, I still cannot stop my heart from ignoring it.
• Rules, I make them and I break them. Once again I am torn between whether this is good or bad? At the time I make a rule it is needed but, as time passes, I become to realise that there is either a better way or that the introduction was based more on my feelings at the time than any real ‘need’.
• Consistency, I am not consistent enough and this is vital to achieve much of what I want to achieve in life. I have been known, to my shame, to treat some people less favourably than others through little more than their appearance, that is so deeply wrong and I am working on that failure of mine.
• If I am honest, and there is no point writing this if not, I am weak. Yes, I come across as strong willed, someone with endless abilities to keep going but that is not really how I feel. Each time someone really needs me, a little piece of myself sighs and wonders where I am going to get the energy from, the emotional reserve power. I shall always find it, many of my other points would collapse if I didn’t but, that feeling is always there. I am weak too in that, unless I feel I am appreciated, needed even, my heart sinks and I feel real failure. To think I have helped someone only to discover they are laughing at me behind my back or degrading my name hurts like hell. It is a real struggle each time for me to get back up from that and I know, one day I just won’t.
• I am a contradiction. Some of my most contended moments have been when I have had so little. This is not an invitation for anyone to help themselves to my ‘stuff’ but it is true that the times I have been most at peace I have had nothing but other people and the environment around me. Things don’t make me feel part of something, they are just things. I need to be around people and yet, when I am, more often than not I am shaking inside. Really feeling like I am not worthy, everyone dislikes me, they don’t want me here, all those sort of insecurities but yet, no one (I think) can tell this to look at me. I am a contradiction, an ‘actor’.
• Very few people actually understand me and how I work, I think, were I to count it up, perhaps only one person does or ever did. It could be very unfair to explain who that is and, in a way, I am truly sorry because the reason that person understands me is mainly because they are a carbon copy of me which means, they too, feel almost exactly the same way much of the time.
• False image … fitting in with much which has been said already, I know I portray, unintentionally, a false persona. This means I come across as much stronger than I am which means others feel empowered, almost encouraged, to throw things at me. Not in the literal, pick it up and throw way but in an emotional way. I am proud of my ability to bounce back but each time I cry about it inside. It is the same feeling I had from a childhood of being bullied. The ‘front’ has always been an essential shield but it doesn’t actually protect me from the blow, just allows me the ability to survive it.
• At 46 I am aware I know so much. The answers to many things are available to me in my head and, if not, I know where to get them. I don’t feel useless now like I did for much of my earlier life. However, knowing what I know gives me an insight to what I don’t know. The latter far outweighs the former and that worries me. I fear I may never reach my full potential and that bothers me. Worse yet, were I to even get close, I don’t have a way or an ability be able to demonstrate it more than word of mouth and, to date, that has not amounted to much and can be destroyed far more easily than it has been created by just one vindictive person. No one can can take away a doctorate but a reputation can be taken down in moments.

Is life worth living?

Well, for that we have to know why we are here. If we really believe we are here for no purpose, that we exist and then we don’t and nothing else matters, quite possibly I fear we have no reason, no justification for being, we are an affront against all things natural just because of our own arrogance. If I place my worth on whether or not others may remember me fondly, consider me of value, yes, I have to answer that life is worth living and I can state my case for it as written above and my place here would be assured until the natural failure of my body (or a bus or whatever).

If I could have one secondary wish, I shall explain why ‘secondary wish’ in a moment, it would be the ability to fully comprehend, to know what others think of me, I mean ‘really’ think and not the image they feel comfortable sharing. We all do that don’t we? Were someone to ask we’d give them the edited highlights. Few of us are ever truly honest. I know I have had deep feelings of love for people before, not lust, don’t confuse the two, but feelings of love and yet they’d know little more than I value them as friends or think they are cool. What a waste of a genuine powerful feeling that is. I also know, on the other side of the coin, I have had deep feelings of loathing towards people and yet, if asked I’d probably say they were a little annoying at times but generally OK … is that really useful to me or them? I feel these feelings may need some explaining when shared, there is little worse than us complaining about someone without a constructive observation for improving the way things are. Not much point saying we love someone unless we tell them in what way and, perhaps as importantly, in what way it isn’t.

Now, I said about a secondary wish which needs an explanation … my first wish would always be for my kids and those I love (who are many) to have enriched and contended lives. How that comes about is unimportant but that is my primary wish. Were I to have a third wish, it may be for my own happiness and contentment but, I could not have that without the other two.

Do we spell the word ‘book’ as BLOG these days?

Fook and poo cakes

I found out something this evening which may well change everything, my entire attitude toward one individual to the extent that, quite possibly, and I am still not certain, the era of cooperation is over.

Some weeks ago, someone was entrusted with some information and it was made clear, totally clear, with no shadow of doubt, that this information was to be kept secret. Under no circumstances was it to be shared with anyone at all and, if it were, the consequences would be rapid and dire for all concerned. Well, it turns out that they could not keep their mouth shut, that despite the warnings they had to go tell people anyway. How so fooking stupid can some people be? Why can they not see and accept that some things have to be kept secret and honour their agreement?

I am, for obvious reasons, not going into what the subject matter is, effectively, the thing in question is now totally resolved. But, it is one of those things where certain individuals would argue, no smoke without fire and all that. The fact that, in this case, there is no fire would be unimportant to the feeble minded, they would react anyway and place too many people at risk to take a chance.

Why? That’s what I just don’t get, why would someone risk everything just to gossip?

We have known for many months this person is an outright liar, there is no doubt about that at all. we have so many witnesses prepared to stand up and tell the truth it is unreal, they are pissing that many people off.

I want this to be resolved in a friendly way, I want things to be good. I fear though that the ONLY way is by removing it from our hands and placing it official hands where maybe it should have been many months ago.

Quite possibly we need some proper advice here. I am convinced now I have been taken for a mug for too long, enough is enough. What I need to think about now is, do I work my miracles on my self in an attempt to convince ‘me’ that I should keep trying or, do I do what most people would do and throw in the towel. I think, the answer will, one way or another, come to me later on this very day.

For now, please read this as no more than me typing out some thoughts, it doesn’t mean I am going to do anything, I just need to know these thoughts are out there.

Fook and poo cakes

I found out something this evening which may well change everything, my entire attitude toward one individual to the extent that, quite possibly, and I am still not certain, the era of cooperation is over.

Some weeks ago, someone was entrusted with some information and it was made clear, totally clear, with no shadow of doubt, that this information was to be kept secret. Under no circumstances was it to be shared with anyone at all and, if it were, the consequences would be rapid and dire for all concerned. Well, it turns out that they could not keep their mouth shut, that despite the warnings they had to go tell people anyway. How so fooking stupid can some people be? Why can they not see and accept that some things have to be kept secret and honour their agreement?

I am, for obvious reasons, not going into what the subject matter is, effectively, the thing in question is now totally resolved. But, it is one of those things where certain individuals would argue, no smoke without fire and all that. The fact that, in this case, there is no fire would be unimportant to the feeble minded, they would react anyway and place too many people at risk to take a chance.

Why? That’s what I just don’t get, why would someone risk everything just to gossip?

We have known for many months this person is an outright liar, there is no doubt about that at all. we have so many witnesses prepared to stand up and tell the truth it is unreal, they are pissing that many people off.

I want this to be resolved in a friendly way, I want things to be good. I fear though that the ONLY way is by removing it from our hands and placing it official hands where maybe it should have been many months ago.

Quite possibly we need some proper advice here. I am convinced now I have been taken for a mug for too long, enough is enough. What I need to think about now is, do I work my miracles on my self in an attempt to convince ‘me’ that I should keep trying or, do I do what most people would do and throw in the towel. I think, the answer will, one way or another, come to me later on this very day.

For now, please read this as no more than me typing out some thoughts, it doesn’t mean I am going to do anything, I just need to know these thoughts are out there.

Tired

I am really REALLY tired!

Today I have been on the go since … yesterday with one thing and another.

One thing I am pleased about is deciding to talk direct with James mum. Quite possibly this was a positive thing to have done, I hope she also got something from it and perhaps has a better understanding of the way I work and think. I really hate it when people presume I am a certain type of person before they have got to know me.

We almost had a bad misunderstanding earlier over Joshua’s birth registration. I am glad there was some intervention (divine? who knows?) to sort out that one before it became an issue. I do wish though that James could accept the situation as it currently stands … Sean is here, he lives here and it would be stupid for him not to do things to help out with Joshua who he has become very attached to. Its unfair then for James to get uppity about this and threaten that it is so not going to happen. James, please, from Joshua’s point of view there is no issue with having two great dads, it can only be a good thing for him if both of them make a special effort to get along for his sake. It could well be with Sean here so much that he just simply does know more about how to deal with JJ than James and no way should James see that as a threat. James will always be Josh’s dad, nothing can change that and no one is trying to. So far, with a slight glitch last week, he has proven to be a very good dad. Josh though, does not need to see or hear anyone get angry around him so, if Sean makes a suggestion or says the way something is always done, James, please, just accept gently in the spirit of friendship and love that it is meant, it’s not a challenge to you, your place in Josh’s life is secure as long as you want it to be.

Tired

I am really REALLY tired!

Today I have been on the go since … yesterday with one thing and another.

One thing I am pleased about is deciding to talk direct with James mum. Quite possibly this was a positive thing to have done, I hope she also got something from it and perhaps has a better understanding of the way I work and think. I really hate it when people presume I am a certain type of person before they have got to know me.

We almost had a bad misunderstanding earlier over Joshua’s birth registration. I am glad there was some intervention (divine? who knows?) to sort out that one before it became an issue. I do wish though that James could accept the situation as it currently stands … Sean is here, he lives here and it would be stupid for him not to do things to help out with Joshua who he has become very attached to. Its unfair then for James to get uppity about this and threaten that it is so not going to happen. James, please, from Joshua’s point of view there is no issue with having two great dads, it can only be a good thing for him if both of them make a special effort to get along for his sake. It could well be with Sean here so much that he just simply does know more about how to deal with JJ than James and no way should James see that as a threat. James will always be Josh’s dad, nothing can change that and no one is trying to. So far, with a slight glitch last week, he has proven to be a very good dad. Josh though, does not need to see or hear anyone get angry around him so, if Sean makes a suggestion or says the way something is always done, James, please, just accept gently in the spirit of friendship and love that it is meant, it’s not a challenge to you, your place in Josh’s life is secure as long as you want it to be.

Good weekend

It was lovely to see our friends at the weekend down in Kent. Shame they had to shoot off but we can’t help what they had arranged for weeks, it was great all the same even for one evening.

Josh was taken to the beach at Whitstable on Saturday, he slept! This is not, of course, unusual, he is only two weeks old. Only a little surprising because of the strong wind at the time.

What was nice was to get away from the stresses of home. Not that these are great, in fact, many of them are almost welcome such as having friends pop in, kids over for the weekend, that sort of thing, but, it is also nice just to get away and not ‘have’ to do anything.

Very good to see Sean and Daisy so good together and Sean seems to be bonding really well to Josh. That takes nothing away from James, he’ll always be Josh’s dad but it does add something to Josh’s life, an extra person to love him and we can all do with as many of those that we can find, he’s a very lucky little boy.

One thing I am a little miffed about is that we didn’t get any pictures of Steve & Rosie, we so should have done.

Back to Whitstable, have to be honest, not the best beach in the country but adequate as a first visit to the sea and, let’s face it, we were never going to be building sand castle or swimming anywhere this time of year so it didn’t really matter just where we went.

Both sets of Great-Grandparents had a chance to meet up with Josh and totally made the most of it loving every moment.

I cannot understand the thinking of the one Grandparent who chose not to make any effort. She neither could make any concessions in order to see Josh and she has not sent any gifts that she bought … she did make a bold claim of how she had been building up a supply of items which she would package up and send but, as with those of someone else, this mysterious package seems not to exist.

No matter, our little fella is well loved by his mum, dad and step-dad along with me and Deej and Grandma Kris so one Grandparent who can’t be bothered and another who doesn’t deserve him don’t count for much. Just a shame really, more for them than Josh, what he’ll not know he’ll not miss.

Today is going to be another busy one … well, for Daisy, Josh and Sean anyway, my busy time will be tonight (which is also today seeing as it is 01:14 right now). Me and Deej are on baby duty so we may not get a lot of sleep. Speaking of which, and considering the time … night night everyone.

I sense a disturbance in the force ....

Week one went well, a few ripples of problems but nothing we could not deal with … this week, this second week though, it feels different. It feels like, for some, the novelty has worn off a little. That they are moving on to things far less important, far more temporary and steeping back from the future.

22nd October seems painfully close, too close for comfort and yet, I have an all too familiar feeling that it is being ignored, like, it doesn’t matter what may or may not have been agreed, that things can carry on ‘as is’ regardless. Well, it isn’t up to me. I am, as it happens, becoming weary of mediating, of keeping things going and pulling something out of the hat to allow this situation we are in to work. It is, very much so, tiring. Should I continue to take a part if it appears that not everyone involved is taking their own role seriously? Would it be better to allow things to just ‘happen’? Maybe let people more directly involved make choices and step back regardless of my feelings?

I hope that on this particular feeling I am wrong, that I am allowing my suspicions to take control of my thought processes where the lack of trust has left a void. But, many times before I have trusted and been let down. I have believed a promise which was never fulfilled. I think, for me, this coming weekend will be a decider, the time I commit to either further help or to stepping back. I want to be oh so very wrong but just maybe, sometimes, some people, cannot be helped.

I sense a disturbance in the force ....

Week one went well, a few ripples of problems but nothing we could not deal with … this week, this second week though, it feels different. It feels like, for some, the novelty has worn off a little. That they are moving on to things far less important, far more temporary and steeping back from the future.

22nd October seems painfully close, too close for comfort and yet, I have an all too familiar feeling that it is being ignored, like, it doesn’t matter what may or may not have been agreed, that things can carry on ‘as is’ regardless. Well, it isn’t up to me. I am, as it happens, becoming weary of mediating, of keeping things going and pulling something out of the hat to allow this situation we are in to work. It is, very much so, tiring. Should I continue to take a part if it appears that not everyone involved is taking their own role seriously? Would it be better to allow things to just ‘happen’? Maybe let people more directly involved make choices and step back regardless of my feelings?

I hope that on this particular feeling I am wrong, that I am allowing my suspicions to take control of my thought processes where the lack of trust has left a void. But, many times before I have trusted and been let down. I have believed a promise which was never fulfilled. I think, for me, this coming weekend will be a decider, the time I commit to either further help or to stepping back. I want to be oh so very wrong but just maybe, sometimes, some people, cannot be helped.